One of the hardest things about people really embracing Intuitive Eating is that there's a lot of gray area when it comes to eating. There are few things that are really black and white when it comes to Intuitive Eating so there are a lot of nuances that we can learn about ourselves as we learn to listen to our bodies. I like this gray area. It means I'm thinking about it rather than just being passive.
With that context in mind, I'm feeling very conflicted about something and I'm going to try to lay out why this issue has me going back and forth. Being Jewish, one of the lesser known holidays (to non-Jews) is Purim. I'm not a Jewish educator (like my wife), so I'll leave it up to you go read about the full meaning of the day but let's just say it's one of those holidays where we really celebrate! Think costumes, carnivals, parties and of course, food. One of the mitzvahs of Purim is to hand out food to friends and family. The food that is handed out is called "mishloah manot." Given today's food culture, you can imagine what kind of food gets handed out these days. The traditional food is a cookie shaped liked a triangle called hamantashen but these days it doesn't stop there. Since we've had kids, I've paid more attention to the food we receive and I'm noticing more and more candy and less traditional items. Basically, it's turned into Halloween for the Jews.
Why do we give out food? The reason comes from the Book of Esther. There's a passage in there that says,
"the days wherein the Jews had rest from their enemies, and the month which was turned unto them from sorrow to gladness, and from mourning into a good day; that they should make them days of feasting and gladness, and of sending portions one to another, and gifts to the poor." Esther 9:22 (emphasis mine)
I wonder how "sending portions one to another" turned into giving our kids bags and bags of candy?
So here's my dilema: I treat the holiday the same way I do Halloween (which you can read about here). I use Ellyn Satter's principles to help our kids build trust in themselves as competent eaters. On Purim, just like Halloween, I trust them with their bags of candy. They have permission to eat their candy and they know how to self-regulate when it comes to how much is enough in one sitting. I try not to label the food as "good" or "bad" (which is very hard for me) and I give them space to make their own food choices. But even though I trust my kids, I am questioning "Why is candy the default choice for sending food? Why has the 'sending portions one to another' become food that is not worthy of really being called food at all?"
My kids are responsible eaters. I trust them with a bag of candy and they do not abuse that trust. They don't binge and they don't eat it all in one sitting, but I worry about the other kids who are not being raised to be competent eaters. I worry about how parents are going to take away their kids candy or throw it away, or make their kids feel bad for eating it. I worry that, as a community, we are sending the wrong message about how we should eat. I worry that I'm being too judgemental about this as well. I mean if I really feel like there are no "good foods" or "bad foods" than why do I care that my kids get piles of candy? I care because I am a member of the community. I care because I'm a parent. I care because some of this stuff is not really food at all. I care because I want us all to have a healthy relationship with food.
It's not a black or white issue. There is no right or wrong here. There is just gray area and room for discussion and maybe a better understanding of what are we feeding our children. My hope is that we begin to look a little closer to the true meaning of the day instead of just another opportunity to give out candy that turns my kid's tongues blue.
Here's just some of this year's loot:
Instead of the emphasis on food and candy, why not find a different meaning to focus on. Like the maybe the tweet below can give us a good place to start.
Today is Purim, what part of yourself would you share with others if you felt completely comfortable to do so?
— Ruth Abusch-Magder (@RabbiRuth) March 16, 2014
I write a lot about feeding kids so as a parent and a dietitian, I guess I've become sort of an expert on the topic. I haven't put in my 10,000 hours yet but hey, it's about progress not perfection right.
Anyway, just because of my training, beliefs and experience, by no means is my family immune to the dreaded "food tantrum". So take a seat, fasten your safety belt because you are going to hear what happens in the Flores household when one of our kids loses it...over food.
Before I go any further though I need to put in a disclaimer and sign-post for you. I'm sharing this experience with you all to show that even with the best intentions, there are always going to be bumps in the road. Also, our food choices and methods are our own. It's a combination of Ellyn Satter and Intuitive Eating but it's not 100% in alignment with each of these but it works for us. That being said, here we go.
The real tantrum that exploded onto us on Sunday night was over dessert. Yes dessert. Part of the meal that 99.9% of the time is handled perfectly well with our kids. But not this time. This past Sunday though one of my kids went all atomic on us because all he wanted was a cookie. Literally 30 minutes of screaming and crying that almost all consisted of, "Daaaaaaahdeeee I want a coooooookie!!!!" over the simple request for a cookie.
So why didn't he get a cookie for dessert? Well we have a simple rule in our house that we've had in place since the kids have been born. If we have one very sweet dessert during the day, we don't have another sweet dessert at night. We still have dessert but something less sweet. We don't use those words with the kids though. We use the words "play food" and "growing food" in our house. Regardless of what words you use, simply put, if we have a lot of play food (sweets) during the day, we try to have some growing food (less sweet) for dessert.
This past Sunday, the day of the event in question, we had another in a series of global warming winter days. That is to say it was warm. 86 degrees warm and we just left a soccer game where we were sitting out in the sun for 60 minutes. We were hot and we all wanted something cool so as a treat we decided to go get shaved ice...which everyone thoroughly enjoyed. Well because of the shaved ice earlier in the day we were not going to have another sweet for dinner. Again, not a new rule but for some reason it really didn't fly that night and before we knew it, we were in full tantrum mode!
Tantrums are the worst! All you want is for it to end but it won't. There's no quick end to it. It's one of those things that once the tantrum is in motion, nothing is going to stop it so you better just buckle up and ride it out. And when the tantrum revolves around food, it adds another layer of complexity to it (at least for me.)
So what did we do to get it to stop? We gave him the cookie of course. I mean c'mon, the kids rule the house right? So we just said, "Sorry to make you so upset. Of course you can have a cookie, just stop crying." NOT. We tried to reason, we tried to explain but to no avail. The screaming and crying continued. "Daaaaaahdeeeeeee. I juuuust want a cooookkkeeeeee!!"
What did we do then if giving in to it was not an option? We stayed consistent with our previous actions is what we did. Believe me, my wife and I each lost it at various times during the tantrum but we stayed unified and rode out the storm. Eventually our kids calmed down and a hug and some cuddling brought the situation to a close but it was not a pretty scene in our house when that was going on. Once the dust settled though the tantrum was over and everyone was back to normal in just a few minutes. From DEFCON 5 we quickly went back down to "situation normal".
Here's the interesting thing though, after about 5-10 minutes of crying, the tantrum was not really about the cookie anymore. It was about getting his way and the cookie was just the fuel to that fire. As my wife and I looked back on it we also realized that the tantrum was probably never really about the cookie. The kid was tired from a busy day, a fun sleepover the night before and from playing in a soccer game. And I'm sure the hour time change because of daylight savings was a factor too.
So, why share this experience with you? Because even with the best plans for "normal eating" and division of responsibility, there will be issues. It's inevitable. The key is how do you handle it when it happens. Will you stay consistent? Will you cave in to stop it?
Have you had a tantrum over food? If so, how'd you handle it? What did you learn from it? As always, I look forward to your comments.
Forgive the following rather personal post but I need to share an experience I had that hopefully will be enlightening for many of you.
Recently I've come to realize that I need some new clothes and like many other "typical guys" out there, I don't care much for shopping. First of all, it takes a long time. Secondly, I hate trying on clothes. Thirdly, it's expensive and I hate spending money on clothes, and last but not least, I have really very little sense of style. I haven't purchased new clothes for years so when I decided to embark on this endeavour, I knew I really needed a whole new wardrobe.
So like any other married man, I decided to bring my wife along and we headed off to Nordstom. Since my wife was with me and I was doing this of my own free will, I was honestly sort of excited for the adventure. We walked in to the Men's department and the salesman comes up and I begin to tell him what I need. He starts to show me some clothes (in my size) and I say, "But I heard I shouldn't have pleated pants...is that true?" I figure he must be a scientist like me and he's read all the latest peer-reviewed fashion journals on pleated vs. flat-front pants and there must be a definitive answer on the matter and he says, "No, you can wear whatever you want." My wife sort of glares at him and I trust he knows what he's talking about so I go and try on the pants. They fit but not perfectly and I ask, "Do you have other pants?" and he answers, "I don't have many choices in your size. It's these or those." I try the others and they fit worse than the first so I settle for the lesser of two evils. Then I ask about shirts and he has a similar answer, "In your size you have a choice of these two styles," both of which I don't think scream fashion at all. They wimpered, "Take my lunch money please." Not the message that I wanted to project or that I normally feel, but it's exactly how I felt in that moment.
At this point, I've gone from excited completely dejected. Nothing in my size looked appealing. Having been much larger than I am now, I knew that I shouldn 't even go close to some stores because they wouldn't have my size, but I figured a size 40 waist was not too much to ask for a large department store like Nordstrom to carry. So I return to the dressing room to try on another of my pleated pants and as I am trying on clothes in the changing room, a tear comes down my face. An honest to goodness tear! I was not expecting that tear and I think it really caught me off guard. Having been heavier before, I was used to feeling horrible about my body but I hadn't had that feeling in so long. After all I lost weight but more importantly I learned how to listen to my body. It was years ago that I felt so weak. I mean it was just one year ago that I finished my first marathon--somthing I thought I could never, ever, in 100 years do. But in that moment, I was ashamed of what my body was and I was surprised at how strong and quick that feeling came on.
Feeling horrible about myself, I changed back into my original clothes and left the store with my wife. I told her, "I need to get out of here," and that's what we did. I was angry, sad, and upset. I didn't just feel bad about the shopping experience, but I was upset because I thought all of that body self-loathing was behind me. I felt like a fraud. Who was I to be teaching and helping others with Intuitive Eating and body acceptance, if I didn't accept my own body? What kind of hypocrite was I? All that advice I gave to people. All the insights I helped them make. Had it all passed over me and was I just living a lie? If I was really this ashamed of my body, then what am I doing with this career of mine and why would anyone come and see me in my practice?
That feeling took a while to go away and after some more tears and a very open conversation with my wife, I felt better. Not great but better.
But the story doesn't end there. The very next day, I had some free time and I decided to head back to a different Nordstrom to see if I could do better. I went right up to Customer Service and I said, "I heard you have personal shoppers here. Is there one available today that could help me because I need help." I waited while the lady called to see if anyone was available and in a few minutes, Jerry came up to meet me. Jerry was a listener! I told him about my experience the day before, my job, what I wanted, what I needed and then I let go and gave Jerry control. He was great. He showed me a ton of different clothes but what I noticed most was that he never said anything referencing the size of my clothes. He never said anything about having limited options. He just brought me clothes and I tried them on. After 2+ hours, I had done considerable damage on my credit card but I felt great with what I had purchased. I had a whole new wardrobe that I could wear, that fit me and that I'm sure my wife will love seeing me in.
As I was paying, I had a very interesting converation with one of Jerry's other clients. The three of us were talking, I was making jokes (as I usually do when I'm in a good mood) and he said, "Are you a writer? You should write comedy! Maybe you're a lawyer." I said, "Nope, none of those. I'm a dietitian" and he says to me. "With a body like that? Come on. Serioulsy, what do you do?" "I'm really a dietitian." Now maybe because I was joking before he thought that this was just another joke but it wasn't and without him even thinking about it, he tried to shame me for my weight. But here's the interesting thing, I didn't care about his comment. It was interesting from a weight-stigma point of view but I was not offended. The comment literally rolled off my back, onto the floor and evaporated into thin air. No self-loathing, no anger, no sadness. Just me, my new clothes and his judgement.
What a difference a day makes. Maybe it was my mindset going into shopping, maybe it was Jerry, maybe it was a the fact this store had more options for me or maybe it was all those things but this experience left a much different feeling.
As I sit here writing this blog I can see so many lessons for all of us in this:
We are not perfect and we should never try to be. If you have body issues, some days, weeks or months may be better than others but remember, just because we have risen from a deep valley, doesn't mean there won't be another one in the future.
Having support is so important. Without my wife, that feeling of loathing and self-hatred would have lasted much longer. We all need that champion to help us.
The fashion industry does not believe in size diversity!
I am not a fraud or a hypocrite. My issues are my own and nobody is perfect. But the fact is, I've been down the hole that many of you are in right now and I can help you out! My own issues don't make me a liar or a hypocrite, they make me authentic and empathetic to where you may be right now. It reminds me of a story that is told in The West Wing (best show ever by the way). Watch the clip below to see what I'm talking about.
Don't ever judge someone by their body size. Telling someone that is thin that they should, "eat a cheeseburger," is no different that telling someone who is heavy that they should, "just push away from the table."
Intuitive Eating is a process and progress is not linear. There are good days and bad days but the hope is through it all, we continue to listen to our bodies, honor hunger, honor fullness, honor our body and enjoy the simple pleasure that is living life as authentically as possible.
Also, I'd like to thank Jerry and Nordstrom for such a great experience. I can't wait to wear my new clothes. Maybe I'll add some before and after pictures when my clothes return from the tailor!
As always, I'd love to read your thoughts and comments.
UPDATE 2/23/14
I thought I would update you all about what happened after I published this article. Through the power of social media, Nordstrom became aware of my experience at their store. I've heard of their amazing reputation for customer service but I was surprised at how quick their Twitter account manager contacted me and how soon they got word to the store managers at the locations that I visited. The store manager from the first store, Hossey, called me and we had a great conversation. I elaborated on my experience in her store and like any good manager, she listened to my concerns. As expected, she was very apologetic but I wanted to be clear with her that I was not looking for anything to happen to the salesperson that I worked with. I explained that I wrote this piece as a way to share my experience but also as a catharsis to help me process the event. Hossey said she wanted my permission to share the post at her next staff meeting and I of course agreed. I am so happy with how Nordstrom responded. Maybe this experience will help them be more conscious of the words and attitudes they use with their future customers.
This week, the final episode of this season's Biggest Loser aired. This episode has made headlines across the internet because the winner, Rachel Frederickson, went from 260 lbs to 105 lbs and when she appeared at the finale, appeared too thin. The uproar that ensued has focused on how Ms. Frederickson's weight loss looks unhealthy and the show is promoting unhealthy eating habits. I agree on all aspects of this argument but I'd like to point one thing out for this post.
Let's put ourselves in Ms. Frederickson's shoes for just a moment. She was put in this situation of her own free will but the show adds some unimaginable stress on the contestants. To learn a little about some of those pressures, read this great article by Golda Poretsky here. The show sets up very unrealistic situations to help promote dramatic weight loss like excessive exercise and restrictive eating habits. Being a former athlete, maybe Ms. Frederickson has had previous exposure to this environment. This controlled setting is all in the name of health, but as we can see from this year's finale, health is really not achieved by such drastic measures.
But again, let's go back to Ms. Frederickson. The uproar is about the show and these horrible tactics they use, so let's not go too far and blame her for participating. If we say, "She's not healthy, she looks too thin, she's anorexic," is that any different than us pointing to someone who is big and saying, "Look at her, she's huge, she's not healthy?" We might be quicker to come to the defense of the larger individual than the smaller one but either way we are judging them based on size.
As a proponent of Health at Every Size®, I need to remember that I should never judge anyone's health by just looking at their body. Is Ms. Frederickson's weight loss shocking? Yes. Is the Biggest Loser promoting an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise? Yes. Does Ms. Frederickson have an eating disorder? I have no idea. She's not my client and I've never talked to her. The public has no idea what is going on with Ms. Frederickson or her past medical history. Let's just remember, we are judging the show and not her. Shaming is shaming no matter what size the person is.
What do you think? Did you watch the finale and if so, what were your thoughts?
I recently spoke to some parents from my children's school about Intuitive Eating and feeding kids. Here is some of the topics I discussed. 1) Food is not good or bad! -- A cookie is just a cookie. It’s value is that of calories from carbohydrates, protein and fat and nothing more. The cookie does not judge you. It’s just a cookie. Negative thinking about food leads to poor long-term eating habits like restriction and binging.
2) The War on Obesity is not one worth fighting -- Health can come in many shapes and sizes. Your health is determined by your behaviors and not your weight. Making weight the focus of health, can lead to a negative body image and an unhealthy relationship with food.
3) Your body image will be passed down to your kids -- Body image is a learned behavior so be conscious of your "body talk". Is there “fat shaming” talk in your house? If you shame/hate your body, you child will learn that behavior. Learn to love your body no matter what shape or size so that your children learn to love theirs as well.
4) Children are naturally intuitive eaters so learn to nurture that skill instead of stifling it -- Children are born with the innate ability to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Forcing your child to eat when they are not hungry or full can override their natural ability to listen to their own bodies cues of hunger and fullness.
5) Adopt a division of responsibility when it comes to feeding your kids -- It is your job to put a healthy meal in front of your children and it’s their job to eat it. Include plenty of "play foods" and "growing foods." Once the plate is in front of them, let them choose what and how much to eat. That means try to not bribe them by saying, "Have another bite of chicken or you won't get dessert."
One of the questions I get asked a lot from my clients is, "What is my healthy weight?" It is a difficult question and one that doesn't really have a short answer.
If I was a dietitian who didn't believe in what I believe in, I'd probably answer something along the lines of, "Well your healthy weight is when your Body Mass Index (BMI) is in the normal range (18.5 to 24.9)" But I don't believe that. If you've read my blog before, you're not surprised that even just typing that phrase, makes me cringe.
So how would I define a healthy weight? I asked my wife what she thought that meant and I think that her answer pretty much captures how I feel. "Your healthy weight is the weight you are at when you stop worrying about your weight." I would tweak it just a little to say, "A healthy weight is when you focus on health, not your weight."
But what does that mean and what is health? That my friends, is where the real conversation begins. As with all things, the real question might not be what is asked but rather why are you asking? Why are you wondering about that? Why is finding your healthy weight important? Why do you include "weight" in the question? Shouldn't the question simply be about finding your health? I've shared the graphic below many times and it's on my Facebook page but it really helps illustrate why weight should not be at the center of the question but rather your health should be at the center.
When weight is the focus, we do anything to change it and that can lead to difficult relationship with food. So let's take weight out of the equation and just focus on health.
So what does health look like and how do you find it? Well it's not just one thing it is going to be a whole host of things. If I had to boil it down to a list (because we all love lists), here's what I would say a "healthy" person is doing on a regular basis (in no particular order).
1) Connecting with friends and/or family on a regular basis.
2) Finding pleasure and satisfaction in everyday things
3) Moving their body
4) Finding ways to reduce stress
5) Getting adequate sleep
6) Finding time to stop, unplug and truly rest
7) Listening to their bodies cues on hunger and fullness
Of course the problem is that these things are hard. There's no simple solution to health and tryting to improve one thing on the above list is not done in a vacuum. Getting healthy touches all parts of our lives and it takes work.
What does health look like to you? Can you take "weight" out of the equation and instead focus on learning to just be healthy?
I get a lot of questions being a dietitian. One that comes up pretty often is how often I weigh myself. It's such a great question and my answer has changed over time. When I was in highschool I saw a nutritionist to help me lose weight. I remember weighing myself in her office each week. I'd come in, hand her my food journals and head off into her bathroom to step on the scale. In the interest of full disclosure, I lied to her every time I reported my weight. I figured, tell her what she wants to hear so every time I said I lost 1lb each visit. (I lied on my food journals too but maybe that's another post). Why did I lie? I guess because I wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear and I was fearful of her reaction if I didn't lose weight that week.
After I stopped seeing the nutritionist, I don't think I weighed myself until many years later. Of course I'd get weighed at annual physicals but it was not something I did at home. Not coincidentally, it was during this time of my life that I really started to gain weight.
Once I made the decision to lose weight (and it happened one morning in April 1999), I still hadn't weighed myself in quite some time. I had no idea of what my actual weight was but I would guess it was over 300+. I didn't weigh myself that morning but instead I waited about 2-3 months until I noticed a difference in how I looked and felt. I remember that day as if it was yesterday and my weight was 285 lbs. From that day on for about the next 10-11 years, I weighed myself every morning. At first it was to monitor my progress and later on it became my tool to "stay on track."
Over those 10-11 years, the scale became the best indicator to what kind of day I was going to have. If it went up, it was going to be a bad day. I felt less secure, less confident, less worthy and therefore I ate less. If the scale stayed the same or went down, it was going to be a great day. I'd be more confident, more secure, and therefore have freedom to eat more. There were even times I would weigh myself more than once per day. I'd see how the weight changed after a workout, after a bowel movement or after a big dinner. Sounds crazy, right? It was crazy but I am 100% confident that I was not the only person to do this.
After I read Intuitive Eating, I realized how the behavior of weighing myself was part of my "diet mentality" and it all started with my desire to be "thin." I knew that to make peace with food, I had to reject that behavior and ditch the scale. It's scary to stop doing something that you've done every day for over a decade. My security blanket was going away but once I started not to weigh myself, I noticed that my attitude towards myself and towards food changed. I noticed that I had a little more freedom with food if I didn't have the scale as my tool to determine what and how I should eat each day. I was able to tune into my body’s signals more and more which was reassuring.
I went about 2-3 weeks without weighing myself at first and then I wondered if I was gaining weight as an intuitive eater so I decided to step on the scale. I have no idea what the number said but I know that my mind went back to it's old "less vs more" thinking. What can I say, old habits die hard. It was after that event that I really realized how much power the scale had over my behaviors and that the scale deserved to not be part of my life.
It's been about 2 years since I've stopped weighing myself and I've never felt more confident about my body. Has my weight changed since I stopped weighing myself? I don't think so. My clothes still fit and I don't notice a difference in any pictures, so I guess I'd have to say it's pretty stable. Do I still have issues? You bet! Those might never go away but that is another post.
So that's my personal story about the scale, but what does that mean for you? If you are anything like me, you might be obsessed with the scale just like I was. And you might be thinking, "There's no way I could stop weighing myself." Some of us are not ready to ditch the scale and in some cases, regular weigh-ins might be completely necessary (like for those in treatment for eating disorders) but for most, the scale is only a measure of one thing...your weight at that exact moment in time. It doesn't measure self-worth, it doesn't measure your overall health and it should never tell you how much you should eat in a day.
Saying goodbye to the scale is not 100% necessary to become an intuitive eater but it is a very strong symbol for our emphasis on body weight. It is a symbol for why we diet, why we create food rules and why we stop listening to our body. I've already removed this symbol from my mind but it’s still in my house, why I have no idea. Today, I've chosen to say good-bye forever. Are you ready to say goodbye to the scale?
.JPG "Mishloach manot 2014")
