Open letter to the young ladies who fat-shamed me this weekend.

Dear Young Ladies,

It's been hot here in LA over the past weekend.  Really hot!  I mean, 100+ degrees hot and the only respite from the heat is to find any collection of water, put your body in it and stay there as long as you can.  That's exactly what my family and I did when we went out to my mother-in-law's community pool in Westlake Village.

Of course, we aren't the only geniuses to consider going to the pool that day so it was crowded.  We got in the pool and my son and I started playing catch in the water.  As we played, I noticed you three young women diving down under water, staring at me below the surface, then coming up for air, giggling and pointing at me.

I don't know exactly what you were saying to each other in the pool this weekend, but I could tell that you were watching my stomach "jiggle" underwater as I threw the ball with my son. You continued to stare and make funny comments to each other even after I noticed you.  I looked you right in the eyes and you made virtually no effort hide what was going on; you just continued to stare and make fun of me. I wish I had a witty comment, or some way to confront you on this but this was literally the first time something like this has happened to me.  I should have said something to you. I should have let you know that I saw what you were doing and that it made me feel very uncomfortable. I should have done 99 different things but instead I froze. I just tried to ignore you and continue to play with my son who was, thankfully, 100% oblivious to the whole thing.

I don't know why, but I was surprised that this was happening to me and I was surprised at how I handled it.  You would never know this but for a long time, I would wear a shirt when I went swimming. I told myself and others, it was because I was worried about getting sunburned, but the truth was I was ashamed to show my stomach in public.  As I've become more involved in the Health at Every Size® (HAES) and body positive movement, I finally realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of.  Quite the opposite, I should be proud of my body and if I'm going to encourage others to be as well, I better walk the walk and not just talk the talk.  They day before this incident, while swimming at another pool, my daughter asked, "Daddy, why don't you swim with your shirt on anymore?"  I told her the truth: that I used to wear my shirt because I was embarrassed of my body and now, I'm proud of what I look like and I'll only wear it if I'm out in the sun too much to avoid a sunburn.  She had no comment at all and just accepted it saying, "OK."

To the people close to me, my body shape is not an issue and, in the end, that is what really matters. After struggling so many years with showing my body at the beach or the pool, to have this experience really flustered me. Girls, I want you to know I won't be putting my shirt back on because of you. You can laugh and giggle all you want, but I won't be hiding myself any longer. I'll learn to deal with the comments and looks. I will learn to be more comfortable.  Hopefully, you will learn not to make fun of something that is different from what you might normally see.  Hopefully, you'll be nicer to others in the future who have a similar shape as me.  Hopefully, you won't tease your classmates who are in larger size bodies. Hopefully, this was a one time thing for all of us, but we all know it won't be.

Summer is not over and who knows when it will cool down, so there's a good chance we'll meet again either this summer or the next.  I'll still have my shirt off and I have chosen what I'd say to you or to anyone else who starts to  stare and giggle.  It goes something like this: "Hi there.  I'm Aaron.  I hope you are enjoying the pool today.  I sure am. Want to play catch with my son and me?"

See you at the pool.

Childhood Obesity PSA - The Completely Wrong Message

The childhood obesity PSA posted below has me so upset that I just had to share some of my thoughts with everyone.

Just like many other ads, the sensational tone shames both parents and kids.  It says nothing of the fact that health comes in different shapes and sizes.  It makes it seem as if a parent makes one mistake feeding their child at early age, they've doomed their child to an early death.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  It's this black and white thinking that leads us to think of foods as "good" or "bad" and lead to a life of dieting and binging.

As parents we need to learn how to help our children feel comfortable with all different kinds of foods. We need to learn how to nurture our child's self confidence with food and their body.  Shame should have no place in your home.   The last thing we need is create environment that leads our children to hate their bodies, seek diets and promote unhealthy relationships with food.

This is the kind of ad that is a perfect example of what we need to change.  We need to change how we think about weight, health and food.  We need to learn to accept our bodies, tune in to hunger and fullness and we need to be comfortable enough to make peace with food.  We need more compassion and less shame.

A Dietitian Goes Shopping. Spoiler Alert: It Does Not Go Well

Forgive the following rather personal post but I need to share an experience I had that hopefully will be enlightening for many of you.

Recently I've come to realize that I need some new clothes and like many other "typical guys" out there, I don't care much for shopping.  First of all, it takes a long time.  Secondly, I hate trying on clothes.  Thirdly, it's expensive and I hate spending money on clothes, and last but not least, I have really very little sense of style.  I haven't purchased new clothes for years so when I decided to embark on this endeavour, I knew I really needed a whole new wardrobe.

So like any other married man, I decided to bring my wife along and we headed off to Nordstom. Since my wife was with me and I was doing this of my own free will, I was honestly sort of excited for the adventure.  We walked in to the Men's department and the salesman comes up and I begin to tell him what I need.  He starts to show me some clothes (in my size) and I say, "But I heard I shouldn't have pleated pants...is that true?"  I figure he must be a scientist like me and he's read all the latest peer-reviewed fashion journals on pleated vs. flat-front pants and there must be a definitive answer on the matter and he says, "No, you can wear whatever you want."  My wife sort of glares at him and I trust he knows what he's talking about so I go and try on the pants.  They fit but not perfectly and I ask, "Do you have other pants?" and he answers, "I don't have many choices in your size. It's these or those."  I try the others and they fit worse than the first so I settle for the lesser of two evils.  Then I ask about shirts and he has a similar answer, "In your size you have a choice of these two styles," both of which I don't think scream fashion at all.  They wimpered, "Take my lunch money please."  Not the message that I wanted to project or that I normally feel, but it's exactly how I felt in that moment.

At this point, I've gone from excited completely dejected.  Nothing in my size looked appealing. Having been much larger than I am now, I knew that I shouldn 't even go close to some stores because they wouldn't have my size, but I figured a size 40 waist was not too much to ask for a large department store like Nordstrom to carry.  So I return to the dressing room to try on another of my pleated pants and as I am trying on clothes in the changing room, a tear comes down my face. An honest to goodness tear!  I was not expecting that tear and I think it really caught me off guard.  Having been heavier before, I was used to feeling horrible about my body but I hadn't had that feeling in so long.  After all I lost weight but  more importantly I learned how to listen to my body.  It was years ago that I felt so weak.  I mean it was just one year ago that I finished my first marathon--somthing I thought I could never, ever, in 100 years do.  But in that moment, I was ashamed of what my body was and I was surprised at how strong and quick that feeling came on.

Feeling horrible about myself, I changed back into my original clothes and left the store with my wife. I told her, "I need to get out of here," and that's what we did.  I was angry, sad, and upset.  I didn't just feel bad about the shopping experience, but I was upset because I thought all of that body self-loathing was behind me.  I felt like a fraud.  Who was I to be teaching and helping others with Intuitive Eating and body acceptance, if I didn't accept my own body?  What kind of hypocrite was I?  All that advice I gave to people.  All the insights I helped them make.  Had it all passed over me and was I just living a lie?  If I was really this ashamed of my body, then what am I doing with this career of mine and why would anyone come and see me in my practice?

That feeling took a while to go away and after some more tears and a very open conversation with my wife, I felt better.  Not great but better.

But the story doesn't end there.  The very next day, I had some free time and I decided to head back to a different Nordstrom to see if I could do better.  I went right up to Customer Service and I said, "I heard you have personal shoppers here.  Is there one available today that could help me because I need help."  I waited while the lady called to see if anyone was available and in a few minutes, Jerry came up to meet me.  Jerry was a listener!  I told him about my experience the day before, my job, what I wanted, what I needed and then I let go and gave Jerry control.  He was great.  He showed me a ton of different clothes but what I noticed most was that he never said anything referencing the size of my clothes.  He never said anything about having limited options.  He just brought me clothes and I tried them on.  After 2+ hours, I had done considerable damage on my credit card but I felt great with what I had purchased.  I had a whole new wardrobe that I could wear, that fit me and that I'm sure my wife will love seeing me in.

As I was paying, I had a very interesting converation with one of Jerry's other clients.  The three of us were talking, I was making jokes (as I usually do when I'm in a good mood) and he said, "Are you a writer?  You should write comedy!  Maybe you're a lawyer."  I said, "Nope, none of those.  I'm a dietitian" and he says to me. "With a body like that?  Come on.  Serioulsy, what do you do?"  "I'm really a dietitian." Now maybe because I was joking before he thought that this was just another joke but it wasn't and without him even thinking about it, he tried to shame me for my weight.  But here's the interesting thing, I didn't care about his comment.  It was interesting from a weight-stigma point of view but I was not offended.  The comment literally rolled off my back, onto the floor and evaporated into thin air.  No self-loathing, no anger, no sadness.  Just me, my new clothes and his judgement.

What a difference a day makes.  Maybe it was my mindset going into shopping, maybe it was Jerry, maybe it was a the fact this store had more options for me or maybe it was all those things but this experience left a much different feeling.

As I sit here writing this blog I can see so many lessons for all of us in this:

• We are not perfect and we should never try to be.  If you have body issues, some days, weeks or months may be better than others but remember, just because we have risen from a deep valley, doesn't mean there won't be another one in the future. 
• Having support is so important.  Without my wife, that feeling of loathing and self-hatred would have lasted much longer.  We all need that champion to help us.  
• The fashion industry does not believe in size diversity!
• I am not a fraud or a hypocrite.  My issues are my own and nobody is perfect.  But the fact is, I've been down the hole that many of you are in right now and I can help you out!  My own issues don't make me a liar or a hypocrite, they make me authentic and empathetic to where you may be right now.  It reminds me of a story that is told in The West Wing (best show ever by the way).  Watch the clip below to see what I'm talking about.

• Don't ever judge someone by their body size.  Telling someone that is thin that they should, "eat a cheeseburger," is no different that telling someone who is heavy that they should, "just push away from the table."

Intuitive Eating is a process and progress is not linear.  There are good days and bad days but the hope is through it all, we continue to listen to our bodies, honor hunger, honor fullness, honor our body and enjoy the simple pleasure that is living life as authentically as possible.

Also, I'd like to thank Jerry and Nordstrom for such a great experience.  I can't wait to wear my new clothes.  Maybe I'll add some before and after pictures when my clothes return from the tailor!  

As always, I'd love to read your thoughts and comments.

UPDATE 2/23/14
I thought I would update you all about what happened after I published this article.  Through the power of social media, Nordstrom became aware of my experience at their store.  I've heard of their amazing reputation for customer service but I was surprised at how quick their Twitter account manager contacted me and how soon they got word to the store managers at the locations that I visited.  The store manager from the first store, Hossey, called me and we had a great conversation.  I elaborated on my experience in her store and like any good manager, she listened to my concerns.  As expected, she was very apologetic but I wanted to be clear with her that I was not looking for anything to happen to the salesperson that I worked with. I explained that I wrote this piece as a way to share my experience but also as a catharsis to help me process the event.  Hossey said she wanted my permission to share the post at her next staff meeting and I of course agreed.  I am so happy with how Nordstrom responded. Maybe this experience will help them be more conscious of the words and attitudes they use with their future customers.

My Thoughts on the Biggest Loser

Courtesy of NBC

This week, the final episode of this season's Biggest Loser aired. This episode has made headlines across the internet because the winner, Rachel Frederickson, went from 260 lbs to 105 lbs and when she appeared at the finale, appeared too thin.  The uproar that ensued has focused on how Ms. Frederickson's weight loss looks unhealthy and the show is promoting unhealthy eating habits.  I agree on all aspects of this argument but I'd like to point one thing out for this post.

Let's put ourselves in Ms. Frederickson's shoes for just a moment. She was put in this situation of her own free will but the show adds some unimaginable stress on the contestants.  To learn a little about some of those pressures, read this great article by Golda Poretsky here. The show sets up very unrealistic situations to help promote dramatic weight loss like excessive exercise and restrictive eating habits.  Being a former athlete, maybe Ms. Frederickson has had previous exposure to this environment. This controlled setting is all in the name of health, but as we can see from this year's finale, health is really not achieved by such drastic measures.

But again, let's go back to Ms. Frederickson.  The uproar is about the show and these horrible tactics they use, so let's not go too far and blame her for participating.  If we say, "She's not healthy, she looks too thin, she's anorexic," is that any different than us pointing to someone who is big and saying, "Look at her, she's huge, she's not healthy?"  We might be quicker to come to the defense of the larger individual than the smaller one but either way we are judging them based on size.

As a proponent of Health at Every Size®, I need to remember that I should never judge anyone's health by just looking at their body.  Is Ms. Frederickson's weight loss shocking? Yes. Is the Biggest Loser promoting an unhealthy relationship with food and exercise? Yes.  Does Ms. Frederickson have an eating disorder? I have no idea.  She's not my client and I've never talked to her.  The public has no idea what is going on with Ms. Frederickson or her past medical history.  Let's just remember, we are judging the show and not her.   Shaming is shaming no matter what size the person is.  

What do you think?  Did you watch the finale and if so, what were your thoughts?

Boy Scouts Discriminate Against Obese Children

Photo courtesey of USScouts.org

There are times when I feel like I'm living in a make believe world.  I hear some stories in the news and I think this must be from The Onion; the story is so absurd that it must be fake.  Today was exactly one of those days because I saw a story that the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) was not going to allow Boy Scouts whose BMI was greater than 40 to attend their annual Jamboree.  In addition to that, children with a BMI between 32 and 39 had to submit medical information beforehand to be cleared to attend.   Part of the reason for this harsh rule was explained in the Time.com article:

The quadrennial pow-wow’s activities range from mountain biking and rock climbing to scuba diving and a water obstacle course — all strenuous exercises that require physical fitness, Dan McCarthy, director of the BSA’s Summit Group, told the Associated Press. Because there are no vehicles on site, the participants are required to walk everywhere, often on hilly or mountainous terrain.

In all honesty I'm almost at a loss for words for how shocked and appalled I am at this news.  I'm sure we've all heard news that the Boy Scouts are known for their previous discrimination of homosexuals, preventing openly gay scout leaders from joining their organization.  They recently changed that policy but they've decided to change their focus now to "fat kids." The spokesperson for the BSA tried to justify this new policy by saying that Scouts were made aware of the weight rule a year in advance and that troops developed health-related programs to help Scouts lose weight.  Health-related programs are great but we don't need any focus on weight.

BMI is not the only indicator for health and some would argue that it's not even a very good tool to use in the first place.  So why are the Scouts allowed to do this?  Well in short, discriminating against heavy people is probably the last form of discrimination that is socially acceptable and it's even more prevalent than we may think.  One common example is when companies have higher health care premiums for the obese employees.

So let's play this BSA scenario out a little.  Let's say Scout X has a BMI of 42 at the start of last year and he starts to try to lose weight.  He loses some weight by joining the Troops healthy living program and as the deadline approaches, Scout X's BMI is now 40.2.  With the deadline just days away, what does the boy do?  Does he try to sweat out those last pounds by working out extra hard, does he think about restricting his food intake for just a few days.  Maybe he goes to an extreme and takes a diet pill that he saw advertised on TV?  Are these behaviors healthy?  Are these the skills that we want our children to develop in the Scouts?  I don't want my son to ever have to resort to this behavior.  I fear that this might lead to an unhealthy relationship with food, a bad body image and a lifetime of dieting.

I'm sure that the Scouts that are not going to this year's Jamboree because of their weight are disappointed but I'm also guessing that they feel incredibly ashamed.  How will this shame lead to improved healthy behaviors?  Will someone who is ashamed feel more inclined to go for a walk and choose healthy foods?  Or will that person isolate themselves, maybe feel depressed, maybe begin to eat more?  Where is the support system for these kids?  As the rest of their troop returns, how will these Scouts be treated?

The saddest part of this story to me is the fact that I've not heard a lot of public outrage over it.  Take this Fox News online poll that was started as the story broke.  With a total of 9000+ votes recorded 35% agreed that they Boy Scouts are allowed to ban obese kids from attending the Jamboree and 48% thought it was discrimination.  18% were undecided.  Seriously, 35% agree?! Wait 18% are undecided?!  You must be kidding me.

Hopefully this policy will soon change and we will stop fat-shaming our children, our friends, our family, our co-workers. Hopefully we will begin changing our attitudes toward obesity and focus more on healthy behaviors and not the number on the scale or what our BMI is.  Hopefully, we will change our attitudes about fat the same way we are changing our attitudes towards minorities.