A Letter to My Son: What I Hope You Learn About Men's Health

Movember is upon us!  Men everywhere will be growing their mustaches to help raise money and bring awareness to men's health issues that, at times, fly under the radar.  Since my wife forbids me from growing a mustache and a happy wife leads to a happy life, I figured I'd write a post instead of growing any more facial hair.  So here is a letter to my 8-year old son, sharing my "health" tips that I hope he can incorporate into his life. After all, what better way to promote "men's health" than by preparing our sons for what lies ahead of them.

Dear Son,

You've just turned 8 this month but there is still a whole life that lies ahead of you.  Since the day you were born, I've seen so much of myself in you.  They say you are like an Aaron 2.0.  It seems we have so many similarities, physically and emotionally.  The same things bring a smile to our faces.  Our laughs, our senses of humor seem to be cut from the same vaudevillian cloth.  On the other side of that coin, when we are upset, frustrated or angry, we do the same thing. We close up, shut the world out and crawl within our emotions.

Because we are so similar, I want to write to you so that I can share some of my experiences about my life in the hopes that you will read it, and when you are ready, use this information to learn from what I've learned.  If you are really version 2.0, I hope that the latest version is just a little bit better than the original. So in no particular order, here are some things I hope you'll learn sooner than I did in the hopes you have the healthiest life possible.

• I hope you appreciate all the amazing things your body can do.  It helps you run, play and compete.  But it also is amazing to see how every muscle of your body moves each time you laugh.  Your body will change over time but I hope that you always cherish each and every thing your body will help you do in life.  

• I wish I could say your Mother and I gave you the genetic code to have a body like Bruce Lee or Dwane Johnson, but that is probably just is not in your future.  You'll probably look more like Seth Rogan than The Rock but that doesn't mean you should be envious.  You have all the tools you need to do anything physical you put your mind to.  I promise you, your body is capable of doing much more than you ever can imagine. Trust your body and don't be afraid to challenge it.

• Food is nourishing and fun.  You can eat for many different reasons in life and I hope that you will learn to use food for fuel and not as a way to punish yourself or to feed your emotions.  

• Your emotions are powerful but not something you need to be afraid of.  It can be hard to open up and tell others how you are feeling but when you finally get the courage to do it, know that others will be waiting and willing to help you.  

• Being alone and keeping your emotions to yourself will only create a cycle of isolation. Being vulnerable will be the most courageous thing you will ever do.

• Respect all bodies.  As you get older, the default behavior of many of your friends will be to ridicule or tease any body or person that is different.  When it happens, be brave and stand up to shaming and teasing.  Remember what Brené Brown says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” 

• Moving your body feels good and will help you feel better about yourself.

• Breath in and breath out.  I hope that you will learn how mindfulness can help you connect to your body and your emotions.  It will help you learn to be comfortable in the moment and honor each and every thought and feeling.

• Honor your partner with love and respect.  Love is the greatest thing you can ever give someone, so when you find that right person, don't hold back.  Share every part of yourself with them and fight every day to sustain a strong union between the two of you.

• Have faith.  Whether it is the religion we are raising you with or something else that resonates with you, find peace in learning that there are things in this life that are larger than ourselves.  

• There is no one way to be masculine.  These days, there is a common refrain to "man up" to the issues and occasions.  People will tell you how to be a "real man," but remember,  you are already a man.  Follow your heart, do what feels right and don't feel like you have to live up to some ideal image of what a man should be.

• Be a feminist.  Understand that because of your gender, your race and where you grow up, you have been given opportunities that many women who are in similar situations might not have. Stand up for all women.  Fight for equality in the work place, equal access to health care and equal access to education and careers.  

• Don't forget to be a mensch.  Be kind to others and don't take advantage of those who might not have what you've had access to as you are growing up.

• Find a good doctor that you trust.  Don't be afraid or intimidated of their white coat.  It's ok to ask them questions, challenge their recommendations and have conversations with them.

I know that you might read this and dismiss it, but one day, you'll be confronted with each of these things in real life and when the time comes, remember this letter.  I hope it helps you and I hope you find your path towards a long and healthy life.

Love,
Dad

p.s. If you ever need help writing a letter like this to your son, it would be an honor for me to sit beside you to help if you ever need it. 

Thank you Bryce Harper for exposing our male body image issues

Each year ESPN Magazine releases their "Body" issue.  This year there was a lot of talk about Amanda Bingson being one of the athletes featured on one of the covers.  She's an Olympic hammer thrower. Her image was a nice example of body positive messaging.  She is a larger woman who is an accomplished Olympic athlete and shows that athletes can come in all shapes and sizes.

ESPN

Another athlete that was featured in the magazine was Bryce Harper who plays baseball for the Washington Nationals.  In the picture, Harper looks like the ultimate male athlete.  He is chiseled, ripped and the image of what the ideal body should look like.

ESPN

But how did Harper do get that body?  Was it just his natural, everyday body or, like many others, did he do some extreme things to make sure he looked "his best?" It turns out, extreme is exactly what he did. From this Washington Post article, we see exactly what he did to make his body look this way for the photoshoot:

[It] consisted of three workouts and six meals a day until it consisted of none, that final week when Bryce Harper consumed only juice. Seven different raw juices. Over the final two weeks, before he exposed each of his muscles to ESPN’s photographers, he put salt in his drinking water so he could hydrate himself without gaining weight. On the final day, before he stripped naked and recorded the results for the world, he rose for one final workout, but when he went to refresh himself, he spit the water out. When he arrived at the field at the University of Nevada Las Vegas for the shoot, his system was completely depleted. 

He shoved raw, white potatoes down his throat because he knew the glucose and glycine they contained would run straight to his muscles — which yearned for something, any kind of nourishment they could find. 

“It makes you pop,” Harper said. “It makes you stand out.”

Stand out he does.  I'll admit he looks amazing, but should we reward Harper for looking good without examining the extreme lengths it took to look this way?  Because Harper is a man, do we judge his actions differently than if he was a woman?  If a woman did something extreme like this, would we think she's healthy or would we think it's some sort of eating disorder?

When I read what Harper did, I think it highlights just how much even the most famous men struggle with body image issues.  Heaven forbid we get in front of a camera without looking our best. For women, we are more aware of the signs and dangers.  We notice if their unhealthy body image causes them to lose too much weight, but for men it might be harder to spot.  The reason?  Because men obsess about muscles.  If we build muscle, we're healthy.  So bigger muscles equal doing more healthy things.  In reality,  we may be doing some very unhealthy things to get that body.

Starving yourself for days, avoiding water, obsessively working out, and then binging to make you "pop" and "stand out" is not healthy behavior and not does it reflect a healthy body image.

On one hand we applaud Bingson for baring all, and we do the same for Harper.  But I see it a little differently.  I love the idea of ESPN's Body issue.  Let's celebrate the amazing bodies all athletes have and the unbelievable things they can do.  Maybe next year we can celebrate the body naturally, without alterations, either by photoshop or by allowing athletes to starve themselves to "stand out." Without any of the shenanigans he went through before the shoot, Harper and every athlete is a "stand out." They are the best of the best and their bodies should be celebrated no matter what they look like.

An Invitation to Governor Chris Christie

I don't have much politically in common with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  We are polar opposites when it comes to social issues or the role of government, but the Governor and I do have one thing in common:  We both struggle with weight and deal with it in a public arena.  Granted, my public arena is much smaller than the Governor's but none the less, we are still judged by how we look.  Me because I am a dietitian and dietitians are supposed to "look a certain way" and the Governor because, well, he's a Governor.  I've written about my issues with weight here so I don't need to rehash that old story.  Regardless of the reason, people will look at us and draw a conclusion.

Gov. Christie did an interview with ABC Nightline this month where the issue of his weight came up.  Read the full article here and watch a video excerpt below.  The Governor makes some honest and personal observations about his struggle with his weight.  He shares how he as struggled with weight for 30 years and how his job makes making healthy choices difficult.  You don't have to be a Governor to identify with that, right? Those are issues that all of us deal with but there are much deeper issues that affect our food choices. Near the end of the article, the Governor says,

“I’ve been living with it for a long time, and I’m going to try to get better,” Christie said. “And if I can get better, that’ll be great for me and for my family and for the public who likes me … it’s something that’s not easy. If it were easy, I’d already have it fixed.”

Governor Christie is a very successful, intelligent and driven individual.  You have to be to run for and get elected to political office.  He is "fixing" important social and political issues every day. His career is defined by successfully dealing with problems. But, despite all that success, power and motivation, he can't "fix" his weight.  Again, you don't have to be Governor to identify with that, right?

It's a common misconception that we can "fix" our weight.  We need to realize that what we need to fix is not the number on the scale but rather the way we think about food. What the Governor needs to do is make peace with food.  You don't have to be Governor to identify with that either.

So, I'm extending an open invitation to Governor Christie.  Governor, you don't need another meal plan or diet that promises results.  Let's talk, man to man, about something men don't usually open up about: how we use food to cope with our emotions.  Let's start a conversation about how food can be our best friend and worst enemy.  Let me help you make peace with food.  Let's start the discussion so you can start listening to your body, honoring your hunger and fullness.  Governor, ditch the food rules that you've grown up with and let's talk about how you can start to give yourself permission to eat again. This isn't a fad diet, this is Intuitive Eating.  I am here waiting for your email.  I'm available for Skype or FaceTime calls so no need to come out to Los Angeles either.  You don't need to be a Governor to open up and talk about food.  My invitation extends to anyone else out there that is ready to make peace with food. 

As always, I welcome your comments.

 

Bad Body Image - Not Just for Women Anymore

Since diving into Intuitive Eating and using it with clients, I've made an anecdotal observation that I'm not sure is correct but here goes: Intuitive Eating appeals to women much more than men.  Intuitive Eating is not gender-biased in any way but I've noticed this because in most cases, making peace with food forces you to deal with your emotions, something us men have trouble doing.

But does that mean men are not struggling with losing weight, with improving their health or with body image issues?  Obviously the answer is no to the first two but men's body issues is not necessarily a common topic.  

Here are some statistics about male body image and eating disorder issues: 

From the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: An estimated 10-15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are male.  Men are less likely to seek treatment for eating disorders because of the perception that they are “woman’s diseases.”

From the National Eating Disorders Association: Approximately 10% of eating disordered individuals coming to the attention of mental health professionals are male (Wolf, 1991; Fairburn & Beglin, 1990).  Boys are three times more likely than girls to be trying to gain weight (28% versus 9%). The cultural ideal for body shape for men versus women continues to favor slender women and athletic, V-shaped muscular men (Rosen & Gross, 1987).

If you do a Google image search on positive body images, most of the results are images of women.  They are inspiring messages that I am happy to see, but there are relatively few that show any men.  If you add the word "male" in the middle of the same search you find more randomness to the images that come up.  But the few male-specific pictures that do come up are almost all "the ideal" image of a man: six pack abs and well defined muscles.  There are no pictures of "curvy" guys holding up a positive statement about their love handles.  There are no men standing in front of mirrors with "You Are Beautiful" written on it.  I don't have a six pack nor well defined muscles and, like I'm sure many other people will understand, I've struggled with body issues.  So where is our inspiration?

The difference between the search results is striking especially for me--since I know both as an individual and as a clinician--how strongly our body image affects our food choices.  Perhaps the lack of awareness is the exact result of the problem that so often plagues us men; we don't like to share our feelings.  Until we can begin to deal with our body issues and accept that making peace with food might mean sharing some of those emotions we have buried inside, we will never break the cycle.

Maybe our body issues are not the same as our female counterparts, but they are there.  Maybe we don't care as much about being "thin" but we do care about being "bigger."  How can we lift more, build more muscle, look more cut and which foods will help us get there?  Just check out a Men's Fitness cover one day. Regardless of our goal, we have our own food rules and our own issues with food.

Intuitive Eating is not gender specific. Making peace with food has nothing to do with male or female.  Listening to your body's hunger and fullness and respecting your body is a part of all of us.  Although learning to share your emotions might come more naturally to women, it is not exclusive to them.  Men have the capacity to share and can learn the benefit of guided support to help change how they think about food.  So men, don't be afraid to pick up the phone, send me an email or pick up a copy of Intuitive Eating.  It is a journey worth taking.