Being My Own Beloved

Working with clients in my private practice, one of the things that always comes up at some point is the issue of body image. As a clinician, I'm curious to learn how people's body image affects their eating habits.  I often tell my clients, "Improving or changing your body image will take time. There is no quick fix and it may happen slowly but you can improve it."  As someone who as struggled with chronic dieting the disordered eating habits that resulted from it, I have my own experience with body image as well.  Personally and professionally, I think about the tangible things that we can do to help improve how we see and relate to our body.

As part of the Dietitians Unplugged Podcast I co-host with Glenys Oyston, RD, we recently were excited to interview Vivienne McMaster who runs an online program called Be Your Own Beloved. Her program is a 30-day course (she offers shorter and longer courses too) that encourage people to make peace with how they see themselves in images.  We interviewed her because I have had some clients who participated in her program in the past and they had nothing but great things to say about it. We also thought it would be great to share with our listeners in the hopes of exposing more people to the great work she does.  In talking to Vivienne, I was struck with how she encouraged the participants not to judge the photo taking process but instead to approach it with curiosity. When we got close to ending the interview, my podcast partner and I agreed that we should enroll in her next 30-day course.

I started the 30-day course on July 1 and it works like this: each day, Vivienne emails the group with a prompt.  The prompts are simple and you are free to interpret them in any way you like. With that, information you are off to start taking pictures.  What is really nice is that Vivienne sets up a private online group where you can post your photos (if you choose to) for other participants to see. The support you get from others in the program is very encouraging and helps build your confidence right away.

As a participant,  Be Your Own Beloved is quite helpful in getting you to process your own body image feelings in a gentle and safe way.  Because of my own personal work in the Health at Every Size® and Intuitive Eating, I've developed some tools to improve how I see my body, but it is still a work in progress for sure. It hasn't always been like that though. Up until fairly recently, I have struggled with very poor body image. Since high school, I remember thinking I was never muscular enough, never thin enough. I was too curvy, too flabby and always ashamed of my "love handles."  I have finally started to make peace with my body.  I'll be honest, I still struggle with body image.  There are good days and there are bad ones.  But overall, I've learned to appreciate my body more today than I did before.  Pictures have always bothered me and, especially as I struggle with accepting my body as it is, because photos have always been a true reflection with how others see you.

At the time of writing this blog, I'm about half way through the program and I wanted to share some of what I have already learned.  The images that I've taken have been some of the best selfies I've ever been in.  There are some days that I don't want to participate.  Some days my inner critic is very loud, telling me I'm not good enough or this is too hard.  Those are the days that I make it a point to be open to the process.  Those are the days that I am sure to challenge my inner critic and, over time, hope to make it much quieter.  I've also learned that curiosity must be a part of my consciousness.  At Vivienne's advice, I take a ton of pictures and that is so helpful. I don't judge them, I just take the pictures with curiosity responding to the daily prompt and just see what comes of it.  There are usually 1 or 2 gems in the 40 or so pictures I take.  As one of the only men participating in the group, I find that I've also learned how to read the daily prompt and make it mine.  I think that just because mostly women participate in the program, there tends to be a feminine quality to the images that are shared.  At first I tried to copy that notion but realized, hey, that is not me.  So with each prompt, I make sure to add my own interpretation.

This is something that has been personally and professionally amazing. Personally, it is a tool that is helping heal my body image.  Professionally, I have found a resource to recommend to my clients. I would tell them that it can be a transformative experience that will begin to heal your body image, to have a safe space to explore difficult issues.  I would tell them that Vivienne is kind, compassionate and knows how to help you on this journey.

I'm sharing some of the pictures I've taken.  I hope you enjoy them.  Some are vulnerable, some are fun but I'm sharing them so that you can see part of my process.  I hope you enjoy them as much as I've had taking them.

I'm back!

It has been way too long for me to post something to this site. There is so many reasons for not posting but after a long conversation with my wife last night, I finally realized why I'm not writing.  It's fear!  Fear of finding and using my voice.  Fear that my voice might not be accepted.  Fear that I might say something that offends you.  Fear that no one will listen.  Fear that I don't have anything to say.

I know I'm not alone. I am sure there some of you out there reading this that know what it's like to live with the voice of fear constantly speaking in your ear.  That voice holds us back from so much.  It keeps us from trying new things, from going outside our comfort zone and from perusing our dreams.

Well last night, I realized that I have a voice.  I have something to say and it is something important.  I am sorry if it offends you or makes you uncomfortable.  I am sorry if it challenges your assumptions about health, healthy bodies and eating.  What I need to say is bigger than just a small private practice in Los Angeles.  It is a message that needs to be heard by everyone.  I need to add my voice to the many colleagues that I respect and admire.  I am joining them in a revolution to change how we, as a society, see our bodies and how we define health.

I'm back to join a movement to stop the oppression of people who are in bodies that society says do not fit and to say, we are here, and we deserve to be heard.

Change is coming and I am going to be a part of it.

I have a voice, and I'm going to make it heard.  I will be unabashedly honest and I'm sorry if that bothers you.  I owe it to myself, to my family and to my profession to use my voice to help us change.

I'm back baby and guess what, I think you're going to love it!

I know fear will always be there, but like I've told clients before, we never mute the voice, we must make the competing voices louder.  So here's to courage, bravery and vulnerability.  Fear can bite me!

In the coming months, you can look forward to more frequent posts on topics that might be difficult to discuss, read or share but this is what needs to be done for change to come.  You'll be reading more about my own body image experience, my observations of the diet culture that surrounds me, and an honest point of view on how I am, and will continue to, work to help us embrace our bodies, find our own version of health and learn to heal our relationship with food.

I look forward to you joining me on this journey.

A Letter to My Son: What I Hope You Learn About Men's Health

Movember is upon us!  Men everywhere will be growing their mustaches to help raise money and bring awareness to men's health issues that, at times, fly under the radar.  Since my wife forbids me from growing a mustache and a happy wife leads to a happy life, I figured I'd write a post instead of growing any more facial hair.  So here is a letter to my 8-year old son, sharing my "health" tips that I hope he can incorporate into his life. After all, what better way to promote "men's health" than by preparing our sons for what lies ahead of them.

Dear Son,

You've just turned 8 this month but there is still a whole life that lies ahead of you.  Since the day you were born, I've seen so much of myself in you.  They say you are like an Aaron 2.0.  It seems we have so many similarities, physically and emotionally.  The same things bring a smile to our faces.  Our laughs, our senses of humor seem to be cut from the same vaudevillian cloth.  On the other side of that coin, when we are upset, frustrated or angry, we do the same thing. We close up, shut the world out and crawl within our emotions.

Because we are so similar, I want to write to you so that I can share some of my experiences about my life in the hopes that you will read it, and when you are ready, use this information to learn from what I've learned.  If you are really version 2.0, I hope that the latest version is just a little bit better than the original. So in no particular order, here are some things I hope you'll learn sooner than I did in the hopes you have the healthiest life possible.

• I hope you appreciate all the amazing things your body can do.  It helps you run, play and compete.  But it also is amazing to see how every muscle of your body moves each time you laugh.  Your body will change over time but I hope that you always cherish each and every thing your body will help you do in life.  

• I wish I could say your Mother and I gave you the genetic code to have a body like Bruce Lee or Dwane Johnson, but that is probably just is not in your future.  You'll probably look more like Seth Rogan than The Rock but that doesn't mean you should be envious.  You have all the tools you need to do anything physical you put your mind to.  I promise you, your body is capable of doing much more than you ever can imagine. Trust your body and don't be afraid to challenge it.

• Food is nourishing and fun.  You can eat for many different reasons in life and I hope that you will learn to use food for fuel and not as a way to punish yourself or to feed your emotions.  

• Your emotions are powerful but not something you need to be afraid of.  It can be hard to open up and tell others how you are feeling but when you finally get the courage to do it, know that others will be waiting and willing to help you.  

• Being alone and keeping your emotions to yourself will only create a cycle of isolation. Being vulnerable will be the most courageous thing you will ever do.

• Respect all bodies.  As you get older, the default behavior of many of your friends will be to ridicule or tease any body or person that is different.  When it happens, be brave and stand up to shaming and teasing.  Remember what Brené Brown says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” 

• Moving your body feels good and will help you feel better about yourself.

• Breath in and breath out.  I hope that you will learn how mindfulness can help you connect to your body and your emotions.  It will help you learn to be comfortable in the moment and honor each and every thought and feeling.

• Honor your partner with love and respect.  Love is the greatest thing you can ever give someone, so when you find that right person, don't hold back.  Share every part of yourself with them and fight every day to sustain a strong union between the two of you.

• Have faith.  Whether it is the religion we are raising you with or something else that resonates with you, find peace in learning that there are things in this life that are larger than ourselves.  

• There is no one way to be masculine.  These days, there is a common refrain to "man up" to the issues and occasions.  People will tell you how to be a "real man," but remember,  you are already a man.  Follow your heart, do what feels right and don't feel like you have to live up to some ideal image of what a man should be.

• Be a feminist.  Understand that because of your gender, your race and where you grow up, you have been given opportunities that many women who are in similar situations might not have. Stand up for all women.  Fight for equality in the work place, equal access to health care and equal access to education and careers.  

• Don't forget to be a mensch.  Be kind to others and don't take advantage of those who might not have what you've had access to as you are growing up.

• Find a good doctor that you trust.  Don't be afraid or intimidated of their white coat.  It's ok to ask them questions, challenge their recommendations and have conversations with them.

I know that you might read this and dismiss it, but one day, you'll be confronted with each of these things in real life and when the time comes, remember this letter.  I hope it helps you and I hope you find your path towards a long and healthy life.

Love,
Dad

p.s. If you ever need help writing a letter like this to your son, it would be an honor for me to sit beside you to help if you ever need it. 

Thank you Bryce Harper for exposing our male body image issues

Each year ESPN Magazine releases their "Body" issue.  This year there was a lot of talk about Amanda Bingson being one of the athletes featured on one of the covers.  She's an Olympic hammer thrower. Her image was a nice example of body positive messaging.  She is a larger woman who is an accomplished Olympic athlete and shows that athletes can come in all shapes and sizes.

ESPN

Another athlete that was featured in the magazine was Bryce Harper who plays baseball for the Washington Nationals.  In the picture, Harper looks like the ultimate male athlete.  He is chiseled, ripped and the image of what the ideal body should look like.

ESPN

But how did Harper do get that body?  Was it just his natural, everyday body or, like many others, did he do some extreme things to make sure he looked "his best?" It turns out, extreme is exactly what he did. From this Washington Post article, we see exactly what he did to make his body look this way for the photoshoot:

[It] consisted of three workouts and six meals a day until it consisted of none, that final week when Bryce Harper consumed only juice. Seven different raw juices. Over the final two weeks, before he exposed each of his muscles to ESPN’s photographers, he put salt in his drinking water so he could hydrate himself without gaining weight. On the final day, before he stripped naked and recorded the results for the world, he rose for one final workout, but when he went to refresh himself, he spit the water out. When he arrived at the field at the University of Nevada Las Vegas for the shoot, his system was completely depleted. 

He shoved raw, white potatoes down his throat because he knew the glucose and glycine they contained would run straight to his muscles — which yearned for something, any kind of nourishment they could find. 

“It makes you pop,” Harper said. “It makes you stand out.”

Stand out he does.  I'll admit he looks amazing, but should we reward Harper for looking good without examining the extreme lengths it took to look this way?  Because Harper is a man, do we judge his actions differently than if he was a woman?  If a woman did something extreme like this, would we think she's healthy or would we think it's some sort of eating disorder?

When I read what Harper did, I think it highlights just how much even the most famous men struggle with body image issues.  Heaven forbid we get in front of a camera without looking our best. For women, we are more aware of the signs and dangers.  We notice if their unhealthy body image causes them to lose too much weight, but for men it might be harder to spot.  The reason?  Because men obsess about muscles.  If we build muscle, we're healthy.  So bigger muscles equal doing more healthy things.  In reality,  we may be doing some very unhealthy things to get that body.

Starving yourself for days, avoiding water, obsessively working out, and then binging to make you "pop" and "stand out" is not healthy behavior and not does it reflect a healthy body image.

On one hand we applaud Bingson for baring all, and we do the same for Harper.  But I see it a little differently.  I love the idea of ESPN's Body issue.  Let's celebrate the amazing bodies all athletes have and the unbelievable things they can do.  Maybe next year we can celebrate the body naturally, without alterations, either by photoshop or by allowing athletes to starve themselves to "stand out." Without any of the shenanigans he went through before the shoot, Harper and every athlete is a "stand out." They are the best of the best and their bodies should be celebrated no matter what they look like.

5 Things Every Parent Should Know About Feeding Themselves and Their Family

I recently spoke to some parents from my children's school about Intuitive Eating and feeding kids.  Here is some of the topics I discussed.  

1) Food is not good or bad! -- A cookie is just a cookie. It’s value is that of calories from carbohydrates, protein and fat and nothing more. The cookie does not judge you. It’s just a cookie. Negative thinking about food leads to poor long-term eating habits like restriction and binging.

2) The War on Obesity is not one worth fighting -- Health can come in many shapes and sizes. Your health is determined by your behaviors and not your weight. Making weight the focus of health, can lead to a negative body image and an unhealthy relationship with food.

3) Your body image will be passed down to your kids -- Body image is a learned behavior so be conscious of your "body talk". Is there “fat shaming” talk in your house? If you shame/hate your body, you child will learn that behavior.  Learn to love your body no matter what shape or size so that your children learn to love theirs as well. 

4) Children are naturally intuitive eaters so learn to nurture that skill instead of stifling it -- Children are born with the innate ability to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Forcing your child to eat when they are not hungry or full can override their natural ability to listen to their own bodies cues of hunger and fullness.

5) Adopt a division of responsibility when it comes to feeding your kids -- It is your job to put a healthy meal in front of your children and it’s their job to eat it. Include plenty of "play foods" and "growing foods."  Once the plate is in front of them, let them choose what and how much to eat.  That means try to not bribe them by saying, "Have another bite of chicken or you won't get dessert."

What Did My Rabbi Just Say?

Today's post is short but sweet!

"It's not what you look like, it's what you do that is important"  That is what our Rabbi said today during this morning's Rosh Hashanah service.  The context had nothing to do with Health at Every Size (HAES) or body image.  He said these words because it was 100 degrees outside and the AC was broken in the auditorium we were sitting in.  We were all uncomfortable and to help us relax and enjoy the service, he encouraged all the men to take off their ties and jackets and to roll up our sleeves to help us be a little more comfortable in the unbearable heat.  "It's not what you look like, it's what you do that is important," he said to us.

Immediately, those words meant something else to me than the religious context we were in.  I looked over to my kids and repeated to them, "It's not what you look like, it's what you do that is important," hoping those meaningful words would sink in.  I know that they didn't (because of the heat, because they are only 5 and because they didn't really want to be in services) but the seed was planted!

Now that I am home, just a few minutes removed from that service, those words continue to resonate with me.  No matter what your body looks like; round or thin, big or small, "it's not what you look like it is what you do that is important!"  I know those words mean a great deal to me and I find that message above all others today, this day of new beginnings and reflection, most inspirational.

Yoda Was an Intuitive Eater!

Photo courtesy of Starwars.com

Just like almost every other kid who grew up in the 1970's, I am a big fan of Star Wars.  Even the new ones hold a special place in my heart.  There was just something about seeing Luke Skywalker blow up the Death Star, watching a lightsaber battle and hearing Darth Vader breath that captured me.  Now as a father, it has been fun to experience all that again as I watch those movies with my son.  I've tried to get my daughter to watch but she's more interested in other things...sigh.  Watching the movies again I've been able to see some new things and messages that I had never noticed before.  I've even noticed some interesting things that connect Star Wars to Intuitive Eating.

One of the central themes in all the Star Wars movies is The Force.  It is a simple good vs. bad archetype but also something deeply spiritual.  The light side of The Force revolves around ideals and themes like mercy, benevolence, patience, healing, compassion and enlightenment while the dark side is aligned with fear, anger, aggression, hatred and jealousy.  When I thought about The Force, I realized that in some ways Intuitive Eating and dieting is just like the light vs. dark side of The Force.  I'm not saying that if you are on a diet you are like Darth Vader, but I would like to illustrate a few themes that I've thought about.

Although not written in the book, there is a definite spirituality to IE.  To make peace with food, you need to be a Jedi on some level. You must have patience, compassion towards yourself and your body, and merciful to your vulnerability.  You also need to understand that to make peace with food, you must heal your mind, body and spirit.

But dieting is the way of the Sith or dark side of The Force.  Dieting and focusing on weight is filled with fear of failure, anger at the food rules, hatred of our bodies and jealousy of the "appearance of success" of others.

If Yoda was the master of all Jedi, then he must have been the most enlightened, the most at peace and the most insightful.  With all that inner peace and wisdom, then in my opinion, it goes without saying that he would, of course, also be an Intuitive Eater.  Don't you think he was at peace enough to listen to his body and respect his hunger and fullness?  Since he was to insightful, he must have had some great coping skills when he was emotionally vulnerable instead to heading right to food.  And with all that enlightenment, he probably also loved his body.  Although small in stature, he was powerful.  For a 900 year old, it looked like he had a pretty positive body image.  Those are the exact skills all of us need to become Intuitive Eaters.

If you don't think I'm a nerd already, well then stand back because I'm going to share some Yoda quotes with you.  Yes, I'm quoting Yoda!  I added some key words [in brackets] to reframe your thinking from Star Wars to Intuitive Eating to illustrate my points.

• Fear is the path to the dark side [of dieting]. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering [and more dieting].
• Don't think. Feel. Be as one with The Force [Intuitive Eating]. Help you, it will.
• Clear, your mind must be.
• Patience!
• A Jedi [Intuitive Eater] must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind.
• Beware of the dark side [dieting]. Anger...fear...aggression. The dark side of The Force [dieting] are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path [of dieting], forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.
• The dark side [dieting] is not stronger, but quicker, easier, more seductive.
• You will know the good side from the bad when you are calm, at peace. Passive.
• You must unlearn what you have learned.
• Not believing [in your own intuition] is why you fail. 

I know, I might be reaching on some of these but some are so perfect when it comes to our relationship with food. I honestly feel that dieting leads to anger, and anger leads to hating ourselves.  Hating ourselves is suffering and that leads to more dieting.  It is a cycle that we need to break.  I also feel that Intuitive Eating is a difficult journey and it is definitely not an easy path but there are "Jedi" out there to help you.  To trust your intuition and make peace with food is the path to calm, peace, enlightenment, self-compassion and  healing.   May The Force be with you! Or as my Twitter friend Elisa Zied said, "May the Fork be with you!"

Bad Body Image - Not Just for Women Anymore

Since diving into Intuitive Eating and using it with clients, I've made an anecdotal observation that I'm not sure is correct but here goes: Intuitive Eating appeals to women much more than men.  Intuitive Eating is not gender-biased in any way but I've noticed this because in most cases, making peace with food forces you to deal with your emotions, something us men have trouble doing.

But does that mean men are not struggling with losing weight, with improving their health or with body image issues?  Obviously the answer is no to the first two but men's body issues is not necessarily a common topic.  

Here are some statistics about male body image and eating disorder issues: 

From the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: An estimated 10-15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are male.  Men are less likely to seek treatment for eating disorders because of the perception that they are “woman’s diseases.”

From the National Eating Disorders Association: Approximately 10% of eating disordered individuals coming to the attention of mental health professionals are male (Wolf, 1991; Fairburn & Beglin, 1990).  Boys are three times more likely than girls to be trying to gain weight (28% versus 9%). The cultural ideal for body shape for men versus women continues to favor slender women and athletic, V-shaped muscular men (Rosen & Gross, 1987).

If you do a Google image search on positive body images, most of the results are images of women.  They are inspiring messages that I am happy to see, but there are relatively few that show any men.  If you add the word "male" in the middle of the same search you find more randomness to the images that come up.  But the few male-specific pictures that do come up are almost all "the ideal" image of a man: six pack abs and well defined muscles.  There are no pictures of "curvy" guys holding up a positive statement about their love handles.  There are no men standing in front of mirrors with "You Are Beautiful" written on it.  I don't have a six pack nor well defined muscles and, like I'm sure many other people will understand, I've struggled with body issues.  So where is our inspiration?

The difference between the search results is striking especially for me--since I know both as an individual and as a clinician--how strongly our body image affects our food choices.  Perhaps the lack of awareness is the exact result of the problem that so often plagues us men; we don't like to share our feelings.  Until we can begin to deal with our body issues and accept that making peace with food might mean sharing some of those emotions we have buried inside, we will never break the cycle.

Maybe our body issues are not the same as our female counterparts, but they are there.  Maybe we don't care as much about being "thin" but we do care about being "bigger."  How can we lift more, build more muscle, look more cut and which foods will help us get there?  Just check out a Men's Fitness cover one day. Regardless of our goal, we have our own food rules and our own issues with food.

Intuitive Eating is not gender specific. Making peace with food has nothing to do with male or female.  Listening to your body's hunger and fullness and respecting your body is a part of all of us.  Although learning to share your emotions might come more naturally to women, it is not exclusive to them.  Men have the capacity to share and can learn the benefit of guided support to help change how they think about food.  So men, don't be afraid to pick up the phone, send me an email or pick up a copy of Intuitive Eating.  It is a journey worth taking.  

Two Stories, One Theme

Photo Courtesy of Flicker: Life Design Strategies

I've been doing a lot of reading these days.  One book that has occupied my time and thoughts is Intuitive Eating.  I've discussed the book a little in my last post but it seems now that I've nearly completed the book and started the process of becoming a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor, I've become more aware how much this revolutionary approach to food and eating is needed. 

One startling example was a post by Anne Brenoff on Huffington Post.  Her article is titled, "Dieting: Let The Blame Game Begin!" Ms Brenoff is writing on the first day of her new diet and she's not very happy about it.

Today is Day One of my diet. I know from having been here before, it's the hardest day. Yes, I am cranky and I'd just as soon sharpen these little baby carrots into darts and throw them at the back of someone's head today as I would eat them. I'm in the "don't mess with me" phase of my diet, which lasts about five days or until my scale nudges a little to the left -- whichever comes first

Not surprising to hear how Ms. Brenhoff is struggling already on her new diet.  As the authors of Intuitve Eating point out, dieting or limiting calories leads to a whole host of negative consequences in the body.  Just look at the very notable study done by Ansel Keys in the 1940's.  In an effort to understand how they body reacts to prolonged dietary restriction, he found that the men in his study (who at about 1500-1600 calories per day) experienced some dramatic changes.  They became more irritable, they changed their eating habits during meals (some sped up and some slowed down) and they obsessed about food.  Once they were taken off the study, they overate and did not return to their normal eating patterns until four months later.

Ms. Brenoff is not alone in her struggle.  She is one of countless dietiers out there who are looking for the next fix.  They are looking for that one diet that will help them lose weight.  Why this obsession to lose wieght?  Maybe it's the clear emphasis our culture puts on being "skinny".

Just one day after Ms. Brenoff's post, another interesting article was posted on Huffington Post. This article called, "The Hunger Blogs" is a chilling description of the very common blogging of the "thinspo" or "thinspiration" community.  They are sites that are there to inspire, help and encourage disordered eating patterns that promote being thin.  What amazed me is just how popular these blogs are.  Like the article says,

Although thinspiration sites have been around nearly as long as the Internet itself -- as far back as 2001, Yahoo! removed roughly 115 sites (pro-ana [pro anorexia] was the label used at that time) citing violations of the company's terms of service -- the depth and scope of Tumblr's teen thinspo community seems unprecedented. Tumblr-based thinspo blogs are a sort of pro-ana 2.0, forgoing chat rooms and message boards in favor of eerily elegant images, sophisticated design, pop-culture references, private messaging, and street-style sensibility.

I find it interesting that both of these articles were on the same site in the same week.  On one hand we have someone who is upset to be on another diet to lose 20 pounds and on the other, we have young women going to any lengths to be thin or lose weight.  Although Ms. Brenoff is not dealing with an eating disorder, she does have something in common with her teenage counterparts.  They both likely have a negative body image and are influenced by our culture's strong influence on being thin.

We need to make peace with our bodies.  The authors of Intuitive Eating discuss at great length how our our negative body image can drive our need to diet.  Dieting leads to restricting or giving up food.  Giving up food leads to feelings of deprivation and that leads to a binge or giving into tempation.  That then leads to feelings of failure and weight gain. Now that we've failed at our diet...again, we feel badly about ourselves and our body and we then look for the next diet to help us lose weight.

Why not break the cycle?  Make peace with food.  Learn more about Intuitive Eating and honor your body and yourself. 

Fat Talk Free Week

This week is marks the third annual Fat Talk Free Week which was created by the sorority Delta Delta Delta.  The week, "is a public awareness effort born from our award-winning body image education and eating disorders program, Reflections."  The original program, Reflections, was established to help promote a positive body image and prevent eating disorders.

In honor of this week I'm going to share some of my personal history with regards to weight loss because I feel its is important to realize that we all struggle with body issues; even dietitians.

As a preceptor at the VA in Los Angeles, I get the opportunity to work with a lot of interns who are working hard to become dietitians.  They are a motivated group and will be great colleagues one day.  As interns they spend time with me working in our weight management program.  For many it is the first chance that they've had to counsel someone who is struggling with losing weight.  Often after a session they come to me and say, "Wow that wasn't what I expected."  After discussing the session they realize that what I told them at the start of the rotation is really true: losing weight is never just about the food.  It's about almost everything else, but almost never just about the food.

When I weighed over 300 lbs. I don't think I was ever unhappier in my life, but the truth is that even before I started to gain weight during college, I was never really happy with myself.  I had great friends, close relationships with my family, but when I looked in my mirror, I never liked what I saw. 

As I got older, food became my comfort for any and all emotions.  No matter what I was feeling, it could be soothed or celebrated with food.  As the weight came on, my image of myself sagged.  On the outside I was the happy fat guy.  Quick with a joke but inside I was crying; struggling with the reality that I hated the direction my life was going in.  Soon I realized that I had created the perfect downward spiral for myself.  I'd eat, look at myself after and get upset--at my weakness, my lack of control and my ugly body.  To cope with those emotions, I ate and then the emotions came back and so on and so on. 

Eventually I realized that enough was enough and that I had to change.  I knew that if I was ever going to be successful with losing weight I had to tackle the emotions and image of myself to really live a healthier life.  Well as you might suspect, I lost the weight.  That was they easy part.  What has taken much longer to change and what I struggle with every day is the image I have about myself.  I still look at myself in the mirror and I see that fat guy from 10 years ago.  I am still not happy with my body.  I see flaws, imperfections, rolls of fat but what IS different is I am comfortable those flaws.  I like who I am and I know where I've come from and the progress I've made.  Do I still cope with food? Yes but not like before.  But I'm not perfect and at my darkest moments, when I'm at my lowest, food is my friend and punishment.  I won't lie, there are times I eat with anger but I work hard to stop myself 10 steps before I get to this point but to be honest, I'm not perfect.

As a dietitian, I am ashamed to admit that I don't have the perfect relationship with food but I'm also proud to admit that this is who I am.  I am flawed but I have learned to embrace the things that make me me. 

I am thankful for this career.  I am so happy that I get to work with others who are losing weight.  I know that why and what they eat is not always about the food.  It's about the emotions too.  To successfully lose weight, eat and live healthfully, you need to change the way you think about food.  It's why I'm drawn to the notions of mindful eating and intuitive eating.  Along with changing how you eat, you also need to change how you see yourself. 

So in honor of Fat Talk Free week, I'm pledging to change how I talk to myself.  I'm pleding to be kinder to me and kinder to my emotions.  I am a work in progress.  What are you going to do to stop the Fat Talk and change how you see yourself?