Clear Eyes, Full Hearts (and Stomach)...Still Can't Lose

At sundown on Friday night, Jews around the world will begin to celebrate Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year.  It's a day to atone for the sins we have committed but also to reflect on our lives and commit to doing better next year.  One of the ways we do this is through day-long prayer but also by fasting for 25 hours.  (Why 25? Because anyone could do 24, the extra hour makes it hardcore!)

I've written about this holiday before.  I encourage you to read my whole post that I wrote two years ago here.  In short, what I decided after Yom Kippur of 2011 was that I was not going to fast on this day of days.  Why?  In short because while I was fasting, I was focused on my growing hunger and as that uneasiness grew, I was less able to focus on the day and instead I just focused on my belly.  As a continually learning Intuitive Eater, I feel that staying connected with my body and honoring my hunger is helpful for me, especially on Yom Kippur.  Since I wrote my original post, some have commented to me that fasting and the discomfort is part of the meaning of the day.  They said that this ritual is something that reminds us that if we can give this up for just one day (+1 hour...remember, we are hardcore) then we can do the hard work to make our lives more meaningful and be better humans, Jews, fathers, wives, sons, daughters and so on.

But as this second Yom Kippur comes up, I remain certain that for me, eating is my path to mindful reflection.  Honoring my hunger allows me to honor my body and soul and commit to the work of living a full life.

The funny thing about not fasting is that by the end of the day, when the "break the fast" meal approaches, you aren't overly hungry and don't end up binging on all the food that's available after the sun sets.  The "break the fast" meal symbolizes why fasting is not for me.  Most people I know who are fasting start counting down the hours until their fast ends.  They are waiting for that proverbial finish line to appear so they can run past it, right for the dinner table.  It's like they said, "I made it, now get some food in me NOW."  It seems to me that all the reflection is lost because now they binge to remove the feeling of hunger.  We spend 25+ hours suffering, atoning, and praying and how do we start a new year?  With a binge.  Well, no thanks.

I choose to continue my own ritual to eat on Yom Kippur.  I know it's not what some Jews agree with but that does not make me any less than them.  My spirituality is my own and I choose to engage in my Judaism as it best serves me.

How will you spend this Yom Kippur?  Do you fast or not?  Let me know what you think.

2015 UPDATE:
Just a few days ago, my son asked me why I don't fast on Yom Kippur. As my kids get older questions like these make me analyze my actions on a whole new level. I explained why I choose to eat during this holiday and I wanted to emphasize that I still make the day holy!  So with that in mind, I figured that I'd share  this page  that was written for Jews in recovery or working toward recovery from eating disorders.  It highlights how to mark the day without fasting and I find it very useful for me.  It allows me to make sure that what ever sustenance I do take it, that it's purposeful and with intention.  

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Loose - What I Learned this Yom Kippur

Photo Courtesy From NYU Local

"Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose." It's a line from one of my favorite shows, Friday Night Lights. Until yesterday, it was just a line that football players said.  Today it means a whole lot more.  

Saturday I just finished celebrating Yom Kippur.  For those of you who don't know, Yom Kippur is the most significant day on the Jewish calendar.  It is the day when we atone for sins committed over the past year and ask for forgiveness from those we have wronged.  Depending on your level of observance, it is customary for most people to fast and it is the one day of the year when almost all Jews attend services at their local synagogue. 

Before I talk about my experience this Yom Kippur I need to give a little back story to some realizations I've made as a dietitian these past few months.  Through different readings and lectures, I've come to learn that I am a firm believer in intuitive eating and the idea of Health at Every Size® (HAES®).  To learn more about each of these ideas I would recommend you read the following books, Intuitive Eating and Health at Every Size®.  What I like about both of these approaches to eating is: 

1. They reject the dieting approach to weight loss
2. They honor our hunger
3. There is a focus on healthy behaviors rather than what a scale says
4. They improve our relationship with food.

If you want to read a great recap of HAES vs. conventional weight loss ideas, read these two blog posts here and here from a debate at this year's Food and Nutrition Conference and Expo (FNCE). It will make you think about how our society thinks about weight loss.

Let's get back to Yom Kippur.  I have been wrestling with the question, "What do these High Holy days mean to me?"  As the sun set on Friday night my wife and I asked each other our yearly question, "Are you going to fast this year?" Based on my experience with Intuitive Eating and HAES, I thought I gave my wife some great advice.  "If you are going to focus all of your thoughts on food, you will lose the meaning of the day.  How will you be able to think about forgiveness and atonement if you are obsessing about when the fast will end?" I was proud of my advice and my wife for deciding not to fast.

I myself, though, didn't take my own advice.  I was convinced that I could fast and be open to inspiration.  I woke up in the morning and prepared to go to temple.  During services, our Rabbi gave a very thought-provoking and inspirational sermon.  I was listening, but not really listening.  I was thinking about food.  I was not receptive to my own inspiration because I was thinking about food.  So I channeled my Intuitive Eating gurus and thought, "Reject the diet mentality. Honor your hunger!"  I came home and ate.  There was no guilt, no shame, no negative self-talk.   The hunger was gone and believe it or not, the inspiration that was planted by the Rabbi and by my experiences from FNCE grew.  

After lunch, my wife and I walked with our kids to a family service near our house and inspiration continued to grow.  I remembered something my wife said to me  during our discussion the night before, "I fast and I feel so bad that by the afternoon, I eat.  I spend the whole morning fasting and waiting to fail."  What a horrible feeling as a Jew to fail on the holiest of days.  I thought to myself, reject the diet mentality because for my wife and I, the fast is not meaningful, it is a diet!  A diet that we are destined to fail. 

How can we truly atone, reflect and look inward if we are fasting?  My expertise is with food, nutrition and not with Jewish law.  I know that this notion of not fasting will offend some who are more observant, but for me, I've learned that if I honor my hunger and reject my diet mentality, I will be open to the inspiration of the day.  I will be able to really look inside and atone my sins of the past year and make amends to do better the next year.  Next year there will be no discussion with my wife.  We will not fast and we will not feel guilty for that choice.

"Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose."  By avoiding the fast, my eyes were clear, my heart is now full and I know that this year, I can't lose! Shana tovah, u'metukah.  A sweet and happy new year.

I welcome your comments!