This week I came across two very interesting videos on YouTube. I thought I would share them with you. They are not really related (except that they have kids in them) but they both made me think about food and how we view our bodies.
The first video is from the Jimmy Kimmel Show. In this bit, he's asked viewers to film their children's reactions when they tell them that they ate all of their Halloween candy. You can see their reactions for yourself.
Let's not argue the comedic value of the bit or whether parents should be pranking their kids like this and instead let's look at the reactions the kids have. Some reactions are sweet with the kids consoling their parents and others are full blown tantrums. The tantrums are what make us laugh but if we examine the behavior a little more, what struck me was the fact that these intense reactions highlight our kids obsession with sweets. I'm wondering how the food environments differ in the households. I'd argue that we saw calm and understanding reactions from households where the parents don't over-restrict sweets and the tantrums are seen more in homes where candy is restricted on a regular basis. We'll never know and there's no way to judge that but it's just my guess. What would your child's reaction be if you pulled this prank on them? Would it reflect your food environment?
The second video is from the Jubilee Project. The video asked one question to 50 different people. The question is, "If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be?" See the reactions and answers to that question below.
Two very different types of answers, all dependent on the age of the person they asked. Isn't it amazing how different the answers are? Without years of body shame, the first thing that came to mind was how these kids could change their bodies to become superheros. They didn't want smaller waists, different noses or more muscles...they wanted wings, mermaid tails and teleportation. They wanted to be larger-than life. The adult's answers were obviously much different. Their comments reflected how most of us feel about our body and the desire to change how we look to fit some ideal. The video closes with hearing an older woman say, "A lot of people obsess about getting older and about the wrinkles. I love my white hair.. I loved it when it started turning white. It's one of those things, because I chose to stay this way because it just wouldn't be me if I changed the way I looked." Beautifully put.
As you think about both of these videos, I'll leave you with this thought. Let's support one another in our imperfections. We don't eat a perfect diet, we might make mistakes with feeding our children and we don't have a perfect body. But those imperfections are what make us who we are. I for one, like many of you perhaps, could do a better job of remembering that.
Showing posts with label self-compassion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-compassion. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
A Dietitian Goes Shopping. Spoiler Alert: It Does Not Go Well
Forgive the following rather personal post but I need to share an experience I had that hopefully will be enlightening for many of you.
Recently I've come to realize that I need some new clothes and like many other "typical guys" out there, I don't care much for shopping. First of all, it takes a long time. Secondly, I hate trying on clothes. Thirdly, it's expensive and I hate spending money on clothes, and last but not least, I have really very little sense of style. I haven't purchased new clothes for years so when I decided to embark on this endeavour, I knew I really needed a whole new wardrobe.
So like any other married man, I decided to bring my wife along and we headed off to Nordstom. Since my wife was with me and I was doing this of my own free will, I was honestly sort of excited for the adventure. We walked in to the Men's department and the salesman comes up and I begin to tell him what I need. He starts to show me some clothes (in my size) and I say, "But I heard I shouldn't have pleated pants...is that true?" I figure he must be a scientist like me and he's read all the latest peer-reviewed fashion journals on pleated vs. flat-front pants and there must be a definitive answer on the matter and he says, "No, you can wear whatever you want." My wife sort of glares at him and I trust he knows what he's talking about so I go and try on the pants. They fit but not perfectly and I ask, "Do you have other pants?" and he answers, "I don't have many choices in your size. It's these or those." I try the others and they fit worse than the first so I settle for the lesser of two evils. Then I ask about shirts and he has a similar answer, "In your size you have a choice of these two styles," both of which I don't think scream fashion at all. They wimpered, "Take my lunch money please." Not the message that I wanted to project or that I normally feel, but it's exactly how I felt in that moment.
At this point, I've gone from excited completely dejected. Nothing in my size looked appealing. Having been much larger than I am now, I knew that I shouldn 't even go close to some stores because they wouldn't have my size, but I figured a size 40 waist was not too much to ask for a large department store like Nordstrom to carry. So I return to the dressing room to try on another of my pleated pants and as I am trying on clothes in the changing room, a tear comes down my face. An honest to goodness tear! I was not expecting that tear and I think it really caught me off guard. Having been heavier before, I was used to feeling horrible about my body but I hadn't had that feeling in so long. After all I lost weight but more importantly I learned how to listen to my body. It was years ago that I felt so weak. I mean it was just one year ago that I finished my first marathon--somthing I thought I could never, ever, in 100 years do. But in that moment, I was ashamed of what my body was and I was surprised at how strong and quick that feeling came on.
Feeling horrible about myself, I changed back into my original clothes and left the store with my wife. I told her, "I need to get out of here," and that's what we did. I was angry, sad, and upset. I didn't just feel bad about the shopping experience, but I was upset because I thought all of that body self-loathing was behind me. I felt like a fraud. Who was I to be teaching and helping others with Intuitive Eating and body acceptance, if I didn't accept my own body? What kind of hypocrite was I? All that advice I gave to people. All the insights I helped them make. Had it all passed over me and was I just living a lie? If I was really this ashamed of my body, then what am I doing with this career of mine and why would anyone come and see me in my practice?
That feeling took a while to go away and after some more tears and a very open conversation with my wife, I felt better. Not great but better.
But the story doesn't end there. The very next day, I had some free time and I decided to head back to a different Nordstrom to see if I could do better. I went right up to Customer Service and I said, "I heard you have personal shoppers here. Is there one available today that could help me because I need help." I waited while the lady called to see if anyone was available and in a few minutes, Jerry came up to meet me. Jerry was a listener! I told him about my experience the day before, my job, what I wanted, what I needed and then I let go and gave Jerry control. He was great. He showed me a ton of different clothes but what I noticed most was that he never said anything referencing the size of my clothes. He never said anything about having limited options. He just brought me clothes and I tried them on. After 2+ hours, I had done considerable damage on my credit card but I felt great with what I had purchased. I had a whole new wardrobe that I could wear, that fit me and that I'm sure my wife will love seeing me in.
As I was paying, I had a very interesting converation with one of Jerry's other clients. The three of us were talking, I was making jokes (as I usually do when I'm in a good mood) and he said, "Are you a writer? You should write comedy! Maybe you're a lawyer." I said, "Nope, none of those. I'm a dietitian" and he says to me. "With a body like that? Come on. Serioulsy, what do you do?" "I'm really a dietitian." Now maybe because I was joking before he thought that this was just another joke but it wasn't and without him even thinking about it, he tried to shame me for my weight. But here's the interesting thing, I didn't care about his comment. It was interesting from a weight-stigma point of view but I was not offended. The comment literally rolled off my back, onto the floor and evaporated into thin air. No self-loathing, no anger, no sadness. Just me, my new clothes and his judgement.
What a difference a day makes. Maybe it was my mindset going into shopping, maybe it was Jerry, maybe it was a the fact this store had more options for me or maybe it was all those things but this experience left a much different feeling.
As I sit here writing this blog I can see so many lessons for all of us in this:
Recently I've come to realize that I need some new clothes and like many other "typical guys" out there, I don't care much for shopping. First of all, it takes a long time. Secondly, I hate trying on clothes. Thirdly, it's expensive and I hate spending money on clothes, and last but not least, I have really very little sense of style. I haven't purchased new clothes for years so when I decided to embark on this endeavour, I knew I really needed a whole new wardrobe.
So like any other married man, I decided to bring my wife along and we headed off to Nordstom. Since my wife was with me and I was doing this of my own free will, I was honestly sort of excited for the adventure. We walked in to the Men's department and the salesman comes up and I begin to tell him what I need. He starts to show me some clothes (in my size) and I say, "But I heard I shouldn't have pleated pants...is that true?" I figure he must be a scientist like me and he's read all the latest peer-reviewed fashion journals on pleated vs. flat-front pants and there must be a definitive answer on the matter and he says, "No, you can wear whatever you want." My wife sort of glares at him and I trust he knows what he's talking about so I go and try on the pants. They fit but not perfectly and I ask, "Do you have other pants?" and he answers, "I don't have many choices in your size. It's these or those." I try the others and they fit worse than the first so I settle for the lesser of two evils. Then I ask about shirts and he has a similar answer, "In your size you have a choice of these two styles," both of which I don't think scream fashion at all. They wimpered, "Take my lunch money please." Not the message that I wanted to project or that I normally feel, but it's exactly how I felt in that moment.
At this point, I've gone from excited completely dejected. Nothing in my size looked appealing. Having been much larger than I am now, I knew that I shouldn 't even go close to some stores because they wouldn't have my size, but I figured a size 40 waist was not too much to ask for a large department store like Nordstrom to carry. So I return to the dressing room to try on another of my pleated pants and as I am trying on clothes in the changing room, a tear comes down my face. An honest to goodness tear! I was not expecting that tear and I think it really caught me off guard. Having been heavier before, I was used to feeling horrible about my body but I hadn't had that feeling in so long. After all I lost weight but more importantly I learned how to listen to my body. It was years ago that I felt so weak. I mean it was just one year ago that I finished my first marathon--somthing I thought I could never, ever, in 100 years do. But in that moment, I was ashamed of what my body was and I was surprised at how strong and quick that feeling came on.
Feeling horrible about myself, I changed back into my original clothes and left the store with my wife. I told her, "I need to get out of here," and that's what we did. I was angry, sad, and upset. I didn't just feel bad about the shopping experience, but I was upset because I thought all of that body self-loathing was behind me. I felt like a fraud. Who was I to be teaching and helping others with Intuitive Eating and body acceptance, if I didn't accept my own body? What kind of hypocrite was I? All that advice I gave to people. All the insights I helped them make. Had it all passed over me and was I just living a lie? If I was really this ashamed of my body, then what am I doing with this career of mine and why would anyone come and see me in my practice?
That feeling took a while to go away and after some more tears and a very open conversation with my wife, I felt better. Not great but better.
But the story doesn't end there. The very next day, I had some free time and I decided to head back to a different Nordstrom to see if I could do better. I went right up to Customer Service and I said, "I heard you have personal shoppers here. Is there one available today that could help me because I need help." I waited while the lady called to see if anyone was available and in a few minutes, Jerry came up to meet me. Jerry was a listener! I told him about my experience the day before, my job, what I wanted, what I needed and then I let go and gave Jerry control. He was great. He showed me a ton of different clothes but what I noticed most was that he never said anything referencing the size of my clothes. He never said anything about having limited options. He just brought me clothes and I tried them on. After 2+ hours, I had done considerable damage on my credit card but I felt great with what I had purchased. I had a whole new wardrobe that I could wear, that fit me and that I'm sure my wife will love seeing me in.
As I was paying, I had a very interesting converation with one of Jerry's other clients. The three of us were talking, I was making jokes (as I usually do when I'm in a good mood) and he said, "Are you a writer? You should write comedy! Maybe you're a lawyer." I said, "Nope, none of those. I'm a dietitian" and he says to me. "With a body like that? Come on. Serioulsy, what do you do?" "I'm really a dietitian." Now maybe because I was joking before he thought that this was just another joke but it wasn't and without him even thinking about it, he tried to shame me for my weight. But here's the interesting thing, I didn't care about his comment. It was interesting from a weight-stigma point of view but I was not offended. The comment literally rolled off my back, onto the floor and evaporated into thin air. No self-loathing, no anger, no sadness. Just me, my new clothes and his judgement.
What a difference a day makes. Maybe it was my mindset going into shopping, maybe it was Jerry, maybe it was a the fact this store had more options for me or maybe it was all those things but this experience left a much different feeling.
As I sit here writing this blog I can see so many lessons for all of us in this:
- We are not perfect and we should never try to be. If you have body issues, some days, weeks or months may be better than others but remember, just because we have risen from a deep valley, doesn't mean there won't be another one in the future.
- Having support is so important. Without my wife, that feeling of loathing and self-hatred would have lasted much longer. We all need that champion to help us.
- The fashion industry does not believe in size diversity!
- I am not a fraud or a hypocrite. My issues are my own and nobody is perfect. But the fact is, I've been down the hole that many of you are in right now and I can help you out! My own issues don't make me a liar or a hypocrite, they make me authentic and empathetic to where you may be right now. It reminds me of a story that is told in The West Wing (best show ever by the way). Watch the clip below to see what I'm talking about.
- Don't ever judge someone by their body size. Telling someone that is thin that they should, "eat a cheeseburger," is no different that telling someone who is heavy that they should, "just push away from the table."
Intuitive Eating is a process and progress is not linear. There are good days and bad days but the hope is through it all, we continue to listen to our bodies, honor hunger, honor fullness, honor our body and enjoy the simple pleasure that is living life as authentically as possible.
Also, I'd like to thank Jerry and Nordstrom for such a great experience. I can't wait to wear my new clothes. Maybe I'll add some before and after pictures when my clothes return from the tailor!
As always, I'd love to read your thoughts and comments.
UPDATE 2/23/14
I thought I would update you all about what happened after I published this article. Through the power of social media, Nordstrom became aware of my experience at their store. I've heard of their amazing reputation for customer service but I was surprised at how quick their Twitter account manager contacted me and how soon they got word to the store managers at the locations that I visited. The store manager from the first store, Hossey, called me and we had a great conversation. I elaborated on my experience in her store and like any good manager, she listened to my concerns. As expected, she was very apologetic but I wanted to be clear with her that I was not looking for anything to happen to the salesperson that I worked with. I explained that I wrote this piece as a way to share my experience but also as a catharsis to help me process the event. Hossey said she wanted my permission to share the post at her next staff meeting and I of course agreed. I am so happy with how Nordstrom responded. Maybe this experience will help them be more conscious of the words and attitudes they use with their future customers.
UPDATE 2/23/14
I thought I would update you all about what happened after I published this article. Through the power of social media, Nordstrom became aware of my experience at their store. I've heard of their amazing reputation for customer service but I was surprised at how quick their Twitter account manager contacted me and how soon they got word to the store managers at the locations that I visited. The store manager from the first store, Hossey, called me and we had a great conversation. I elaborated on my experience in her store and like any good manager, she listened to my concerns. As expected, she was very apologetic but I wanted to be clear with her that I was not looking for anything to happen to the salesperson that I worked with. I explained that I wrote this piece as a way to share my experience but also as a catharsis to help me process the event. Hossey said she wanted my permission to share the post at her next staff meeting and I of course agreed. I am so happy with how Nordstrom responded. Maybe this experience will help them be more conscious of the words and attitudes they use with their future customers.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Yoda Was an Intuitive Eater!
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| Photo courtesy of Starwars.com |
One of the central themes in all the Star Wars movies is The Force. It is a simple good vs. bad archetype but also something deeply spiritual. The light side of The Force revolves around ideals and themes like mercy, benevolence, patience, healing, compassion and enlightenment while the dark side is aligned with fear, anger, aggression, hatred and jealousy. When I thought about The Force, I realized that in some ways Intuitive Eating and dieting is just like the light vs. dark side of The Force. I'm not saying that if you are on a diet you are like Darth Vader, but I would like to illustrate a few themes that I've thought about.
Although not written in the book, there is a definite spirituality to IE. To make peace with food, you need to be a Jedi on some level. You must have patience, compassion towards yourself and your body, and merciful to your vulnerability. You also need to understand that to make peace with food, you must heal your mind, body and spirit.
But dieting is the way of the Sith or dark side of The Force. Dieting and focusing on weight is filled with fear of failure, anger at the food rules, hatred of our bodies and jealousy of the "appearance of success" of others.
If Yoda was the master of all Jedi, then he must have been the most enlightened, the most at peace and the most insightful. With all that inner peace and wisdom, then in my opinion, it goes without saying that he would, of course, also be an Intuitive Eater. Don't you think he was at peace enough to listen to his body and respect his hunger and fullness? Since he was to insightful, he must have had some great coping skills when he was emotionally vulnerable instead to heading right to food. And with all that enlightenment, he probably also loved his body. Although small in stature, he was powerful. For a 900 year old, it looked like he had a pretty positive body image. Those are the exact skills all of us need to become Intuitive Eaters.
If you don't think I'm a nerd already, well then stand back because I'm going to share some Yoda quotes with you. Yes, I'm quoting Yoda! I added some key words [in brackets] to reframe your thinking from Star Wars to Intuitive Eating to illustrate my points.
I know, I might be reaching on some of these but some are so perfect when it comes to our relationship with food. I honestly feel that dieting leads to anger, and anger leads to hating ourselves. Hating ourselves is suffering and that leads to more dieting. It is a cycle that we need to break. I also feel that Intuitive Eating is a difficult journey and it is definitely not an easy path but there are "Jedi" out there to help you. To trust your intuition and make peace with food is the path to calm, peace, enlightenment, self-compassion and healing. May The Force be with you! Or as my Twitter friend Elisa Zied said, "May the Fork be with you!"
- Fear is the path to the dark side [of dieting]. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering [and more dieting].
- Don't think. Feel. Be as one with The Force [Intuitive Eating]. Help you, it will.
- Clear, your mind must be.
- Patience!
- A Jedi [Intuitive Eater] must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind.
- Beware of the dark side [dieting]. Anger...fear...aggression. The dark side of The Force [dieting] are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path [of dieting], forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.
- The dark side [dieting] is not stronger, but quicker, easier, more seductive.
- You will know the good side from the bad when you are calm, at peace. Passive.
- You must unlearn what you have learned.
- Not believing [in your own intuition] is why you fail.
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