Dear Young Ladies,
It's been hot here in LA over the past weekend. Really hot! I mean, 100+ degrees hot and the only respite from the heat is to find any collection of water, put your body in it and stay there as long as you can. That's exactly what my family and I did when we went out to my mother-in-law's community pool in Westlake Village.
Of course, we aren't the only geniuses to consider going to the pool that day so it was crowded. We got in the pool and my son and I started playing catch in the water. As we played, I noticed you three young women diving down under water, staring at me below the surface, then coming up for air, giggling and pointing at me.
I don't know exactly what you were saying to each other in the pool this weekend, but I could tell that you were watching my stomach "jiggle" underwater as I threw the ball with my son. You continued to stare and make funny comments to each other even after I noticed you. I looked you right in the eyes and you made virtually no effort hide what was going on; you just continued to stare and make fun of me. I wish I had a witty comment, or some way to confront you on this but this was literally the first time something like this has happened to me. I should have said something to you. I should have let you know that I saw what you were doing and that it made me feel very uncomfortable. I should have done 99 different things but instead I froze. I just tried to ignore you and continue to play with my son who was, thankfully, 100% oblivious to the whole thing.
I don't know why, but I was surprised that this was happening to me and I was surprised at how I handled it. You would never know this but for a long time, I would wear a shirt when I went swimming. I told myself and others, it was because I was worried about getting sunburned, but the truth was I was ashamed to show my stomach in public. As I've become more involved in the Health at Every Size® (HAES) and body positive movement, I finally realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Quite the opposite, I should be proud of my body and if I'm going to encourage others to be as well, I better walk the walk and not just talk the talk. They day before this incident, while swimming at another pool, my daughter asked, "Daddy, why don't you swim with your shirt on anymore?" I told her the truth: that I used to wear my shirt because I was embarrassed of my body and now, I'm proud of what I look like and I'll only wear it if I'm out in the sun too much to avoid a sunburn. She had no comment at all and just accepted it saying, "OK."
To the people close to me, my body shape is not an issue and, in the end, that is what really matters. After struggling so many years with showing my body at the beach or the pool, to have this experience really flustered me. Girls, I want you to know I won't be putting my shirt back on because of you. You can laugh and giggle all you want, but I won't be hiding myself any longer. I'll learn to deal with the comments and looks. I will learn to be more comfortable. Hopefully, you will learn not to make fun of something that is different from what you might normally see. Hopefully, you'll be nicer to others in the future who have a similar shape as me. Hopefully, you won't tease your classmates who are in larger size bodies. Hopefully, this was a one time thing for all of us, but we all know it won't be.
Summer is not over and who knows when it will cool down, so there's a good chance we'll meet again either this summer or the next. I'll still have my shirt off and I have chosen what I'd say to you or to anyone else who starts to stare and giggle. It goes something like this: "Hi there. I'm Aaron. I hope you are enjoying the pool today. I sure am. Want to play catch with my son and me?"
See you at the pool.
Showing posts with label Weight Stigma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight Stigma. Show all posts
Monday, August 17, 2015
Monday, June 15, 2015
Body Love Conference 2015 - A day of inspiration
I first learned about the Body Love Conference last year from the social media page of Jes Baker aka The Militant Baker. She's an advocate for body acceptance and active in many different ways to try to help us embrace the idea that truly all bodies are beautiful and an important figure in the HAES® and size acceptance movement.
I found out they were accepting submissions and I figured I'd submit an idea that I had for a presentation. Luckily my submission was accepted! We'll get to that in a few, but first let me tell you more about the conference and the time leading up to it. As the conference got closer and closer, I was obviously nervous about being in front of a group of people but, in all honesty, there were other issues going on. Recently I've been filled with self-doubt for many different reasons but let's just say the past six months have been a struggle. The self-doubt that I was experiencing (like with all things negative) permeated into other parts of my life. With the conference approaching, I was looking forward to be in an accepting environment of all different types of people, not just as a presenter but as a participant also.
The other thing that I was looking forward to was connecting with some other professionals that I've followed via social media for a while, the co-founders of Be Nourished, Dana Sturtevant, MS, RD and Hilary Kinavey, MS, LPC. These two women are inspirations for me because they embody the type of body positive practice that helps people across the country heal their relationship with their body and with food. In addition to Dana and Hilary, I also met another HAES® professional, Carmen Cool, MA, LPC and a teen dynamo Maya Greenberg. Together, their work at the Boulder Body Alliance is something every community needs: adults and teens working together to advocate for body positivity to local school boards and local and federal government. These colleagues (and now friends) were a large reason why my weekend was so memorable. Coming to a conference where you really don't know anyone can be daunting but when you're struggling with self doubt and depression, it is overwhelming to say the least. Their sessions inspired me and their kindness towards me will always be appreciated because it made me feel accepted and a part of the community.
Being accepted was a theme that really resonated with me over my whole weekend in Tucson. Part of what I was going to talk about in my presentation was my own personal experience with weight stigma. As a fat dietitian, I get it almost weekly and I wanted to share my experience at the conference. So as I got to the conference, I was excited to be in a community that was so open to all different shapes, sizes and genders. I was not disappointed one little bit. Over the course of the entire weekend, I felt so comfortable around everyone and it was a feeling that I continue to hold on to. When it came to my presentation, I was standing in front of a group of people and never once did I feel judged by my size....not once! Usually when I present, I notice about 25-50% of the people there stealing peeks at my stomach, not looking at my eyes. Well, that never happened--not once--during my entire weekend.
Truly, it was an overwhelmingly positive experience. It was amazing to be surrounded by so many "body positive" activists. It felt so amazing to meet Jes herself. When I did, it seemed as if she was just as excited to meet me as I was to meet her. I'll always be thankful for her warm reception and accepting hug! I'd also like to thank the team of volunteers who organized this weekend. It was truly a labor of love and the fact is this: their work in organizing this weekend made a positive impact on hundreds of lives.
Now that I'm home with some perspective on what this weekend meant to me, the answer is clear. It was just what the doctor ordered. I came home energized and ready to spread the message of body positivity, Intuitive Eating and HAES® to all the future Jedis out there. I came home smiling but also ready to tell the world, "Your body does not need to be changed!" Embrace the body you have now! For remember, what Yoda said, "Luminous beings we are!" and I've never been more convinced of that statement than I am today.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Taking Stock
Every now and then it seems that I go through a bit of a renaissance when it comes to the world of nutrition. Just like the science of food, my knowledge is ever-changing and new information leads to new beliefs. I never abandon my old beliefs but a new layer is added to them. Consider my own evolution: As a student I thought weight loss would be my main focus, helping others shed pounds would be my contribution to the nutrition world. As a dietetic intern, I thought maybe I'd be better served by working as a dietitian for those admitted in hospitals, working with doctors and other healthcare providers to help the acutely ill to recover and play a role in helping them get better. But then as I became a working RD, I read Intuitive Eating (IE) and that added a profound new understanding about eating which made me realize that my place is better served in the outpatient world helping individuals learn to change and improve their relationship with food. Layer that with the belief in Health at Every Size® (HAES®) and that focusing on health rather than weight is an important factor in helping people change their behaviors. And layers continue to be added like what I've learned about Blue Zones and weight stigma.
So here I am, like an onion, with all these layers, some new and some old. So today's post is sort of a "taking stock" of where I am.
Here are some of the current beliefs.
1. At my core, I believe in IE as a model for eating. It is a fundamental belief that is at the heart of my practice. What I take most from IE is the notion that all foods are equal and that I will continue to try to not label foods as good or bad. My neutrality towards food is not how most of the world of nutrition functions. We labels things in black and white and with that we add a moral judgement to foods. That judgement transfers onto us when we eat those foods we've labeled and that clouds our ability to pay attention to internal cues of hunger and fullness.
2. Next, I believe that we are doing a disservice to our country by continuing to fight this ongoing "War on Obesity." This way of addressing the issue of weight is incredibly stigmatizing and potentially damaging, especially when it's focused on our nation's children. When there is a war, there are winners and losers. Lose weight and win, stay heavy and lose. Black and white, no middle ground. What a horrible message to send to our children. And how do we define winning anyway--losing weight? And at what cost? With such an intense focus on weight, we perpetuate a diet mentality that sabotages our ability to trust our internal cues. This focus on weight blinds what our real focus should be, healthy behaviors and not healthy weights.
3. Just like the name of this blog, I believe in moderation and balance. I know there are many dietitians who disagree with me but for me and my practice, I find that moderation is possible. And when I say moderation, I mean that all foods can be a part of your diet, without judgement, because again, that is how we really make peace with food and begin to tune into what our body tells us. But this is an area where I begin to struggle, because the term "moderation" has been co-opted by big food companies. This leads me to my next belief:
4. There are things inherently wrong with our food system. I believe that we rely heavily on overly-processed foods that have allowed big food companies to exert a strong control over our daily food choices. I don't like the way foods are marketed to kids and I don't like how my professional organization is sponsored by big food companies. I struggle with the nuances of IE at times like this because even though I don't label a candy bar as good or bad, I still don't want it marketed towards my kids and I don't want it used as a reward for their good behavior.
5. Despite what seems to be popular belief, I refuse to demonize sugar. Sugar is not the root of all our nutritional problems and to think that if we just go sugar-free we'll fix the problem is overly simplistic and setting us up for future problems. That's part of the reason that I won't go see the movie "Fed Up". The other reason I won't see the movie is because of how it addresses childhood obesity and my fear that we are stigmatizing our nation's children.
6. I am not a food elitist, (and to call someone that is rude) but I think that we should be eating more whole foods and spending more time in the kitchen. Cooking more meals at home helps us connect with our food. Connecting with food helps us appreciate where our food comes from. With that respect we might learn to eat with a deeper understanding and eat slowly, paying attention to hunger/fullness/satisfaction. That doesn't mean I never eat at In 'N Out, it just means that it's not somewhere I go every night, every week or every month. It's a "play food" that my family will eat on occasion because we enjoy it. That is moderation.
7. I'm sick of the constant flood of new diets and religious-like zealotry of nutrition beliefs about food. If I really stay true to my IE roots, then my body dictates my food choices and I tune into that. So if I want to eat more organic, locally sourced food because that's what makes me feel better, then bully for me! If your body says to eat gluten-free because you think that you feel better because of it, then good for you. Either way, my diet is my business and I'll be happy to respect yours as well. That being said, I do have one caveat: if you are going through each different diet plan--one after the next--with the goal of losing weight, then that's where I have an issue because when our diet mentality drives our food choices, we lose sight of the big picture and ignore really listening to what our bodies are telling us.
8. I believe that children are naturally intuitive eaters and that if we, as parents, just take a step back and help foster that skill, many of the food issues we deal with as adults might never be passed on to our kids. I believe that using a division of responsibility with feeding kids is vital to helping children learn to trust their own bodies internal signs of hunger and fullness. It's my responsibility to plan a balanced meal with "play" foods and "growing" foods and it's my kids' responsibility to eat, choosing whatever is on the plate and how much of it they choose.
9. Lastly, I believe that we are diverse in our body size and in our eating habits. As a private practice dietitian it is my goal to provide an environment where my clients can learn to trust themselves around food, to accept their body, to become confident in their cravings, to help them learn what moderation means for them, to help them feel confident around food, to find the joy of movement and to learn to stop worrying about food and enjoy life.
I know that some of these beliefs might seem in conflict with each other but that is why I struggle. I guess I'm not very black and white with my beliefs. I sort of fall in the middle on many issues which can make it a challenge to find an identity as a dietitian.
So here I'll stay in the middle ground, enjoying the world around me and hopefully finding some friends along the way who agree with a little, some or most of what I believe.
So here I am, like an onion, with all these layers, some new and some old. So today's post is sort of a "taking stock" of where I am.
Here are some of the current beliefs.
1. At my core, I believe in IE as a model for eating. It is a fundamental belief that is at the heart of my practice. What I take most from IE is the notion that all foods are equal and that I will continue to try to not label foods as good or bad. My neutrality towards food is not how most of the world of nutrition functions. We labels things in black and white and with that we add a moral judgement to foods. That judgement transfers onto us when we eat those foods we've labeled and that clouds our ability to pay attention to internal cues of hunger and fullness.
2. Next, I believe that we are doing a disservice to our country by continuing to fight this ongoing "War on Obesity." This way of addressing the issue of weight is incredibly stigmatizing and potentially damaging, especially when it's focused on our nation's children. When there is a war, there are winners and losers. Lose weight and win, stay heavy and lose. Black and white, no middle ground. What a horrible message to send to our children. And how do we define winning anyway--losing weight? And at what cost? With such an intense focus on weight, we perpetuate a diet mentality that sabotages our ability to trust our internal cues. This focus on weight blinds what our real focus should be, healthy behaviors and not healthy weights.
3. Just like the name of this blog, I believe in moderation and balance. I know there are many dietitians who disagree with me but for me and my practice, I find that moderation is possible. And when I say moderation, I mean that all foods can be a part of your diet, without judgement, because again, that is how we really make peace with food and begin to tune into what our body tells us. But this is an area where I begin to struggle, because the term "moderation" has been co-opted by big food companies. This leads me to my next belief:
4. There are things inherently wrong with our food system. I believe that we rely heavily on overly-processed foods that have allowed big food companies to exert a strong control over our daily food choices. I don't like the way foods are marketed to kids and I don't like how my professional organization is sponsored by big food companies. I struggle with the nuances of IE at times like this because even though I don't label a candy bar as good or bad, I still don't want it marketed towards my kids and I don't want it used as a reward for their good behavior.
5. Despite what seems to be popular belief, I refuse to demonize sugar. Sugar is not the root of all our nutritional problems and to think that if we just go sugar-free we'll fix the problem is overly simplistic and setting us up for future problems. That's part of the reason that I won't go see the movie "Fed Up". The other reason I won't see the movie is because of how it addresses childhood obesity and my fear that we are stigmatizing our nation's children.
6. I am not a food elitist, (and to call someone that is rude) but I think that we should be eating more whole foods and spending more time in the kitchen. Cooking more meals at home helps us connect with our food. Connecting with food helps us appreciate where our food comes from. With that respect we might learn to eat with a deeper understanding and eat slowly, paying attention to hunger/fullness/satisfaction. That doesn't mean I never eat at In 'N Out, it just means that it's not somewhere I go every night, every week or every month. It's a "play food" that my family will eat on occasion because we enjoy it. That is moderation.
7. I'm sick of the constant flood of new diets and religious-like zealotry of nutrition beliefs about food. If I really stay true to my IE roots, then my body dictates my food choices and I tune into that. So if I want to eat more organic, locally sourced food because that's what makes me feel better, then bully for me! If your body says to eat gluten-free because you think that you feel better because of it, then good for you. Either way, my diet is my business and I'll be happy to respect yours as well. That being said, I do have one caveat: if you are going through each different diet plan--one after the next--with the goal of losing weight, then that's where I have an issue because when our diet mentality drives our food choices, we lose sight of the big picture and ignore really listening to what our bodies are telling us.
8. I believe that children are naturally intuitive eaters and that if we, as parents, just take a step back and help foster that skill, many of the food issues we deal with as adults might never be passed on to our kids. I believe that using a division of responsibility with feeding kids is vital to helping children learn to trust their own bodies internal signs of hunger and fullness. It's my responsibility to plan a balanced meal with "play" foods and "growing" foods and it's my kids' responsibility to eat, choosing whatever is on the plate and how much of it they choose.
9. Lastly, I believe that we are diverse in our body size and in our eating habits. As a private practice dietitian it is my goal to provide an environment where my clients can learn to trust themselves around food, to accept their body, to become confident in their cravings, to help them learn what moderation means for them, to help them feel confident around food, to find the joy of movement and to learn to stop worrying about food and enjoy life.
I know that some of these beliefs might seem in conflict with each other but that is why I struggle. I guess I'm not very black and white with my beliefs. I sort of fall in the middle on many issues which can make it a challenge to find an identity as a dietitian.
So here I'll stay in the middle ground, enjoying the world around me and hopefully finding some friends along the way who agree with a little, some or most of what I believe.
Monday, February 17, 2014
A Dietitian Goes Shopping. Spoiler Alert: It Does Not Go Well
Forgive the following rather personal post but I need to share an experience I had that hopefully will be enlightening for many of you.
Recently I've come to realize that I need some new clothes and like many other "typical guys" out there, I don't care much for shopping. First of all, it takes a long time. Secondly, I hate trying on clothes. Thirdly, it's expensive and I hate spending money on clothes, and last but not least, I have really very little sense of style. I haven't purchased new clothes for years so when I decided to embark on this endeavour, I knew I really needed a whole new wardrobe.
So like any other married man, I decided to bring my wife along and we headed off to Nordstom. Since my wife was with me and I was doing this of my own free will, I was honestly sort of excited for the adventure. We walked in to the Men's department and the salesman comes up and I begin to tell him what I need. He starts to show me some clothes (in my size) and I say, "But I heard I shouldn't have pleated pants...is that true?" I figure he must be a scientist like me and he's read all the latest peer-reviewed fashion journals on pleated vs. flat-front pants and there must be a definitive answer on the matter and he says, "No, you can wear whatever you want." My wife sort of glares at him and I trust he knows what he's talking about so I go and try on the pants. They fit but not perfectly and I ask, "Do you have other pants?" and he answers, "I don't have many choices in your size. It's these or those." I try the others and they fit worse than the first so I settle for the lesser of two evils. Then I ask about shirts and he has a similar answer, "In your size you have a choice of these two styles," both of which I don't think scream fashion at all. They wimpered, "Take my lunch money please." Not the message that I wanted to project or that I normally feel, but it's exactly how I felt in that moment.
At this point, I've gone from excited completely dejected. Nothing in my size looked appealing. Having been much larger than I am now, I knew that I shouldn 't even go close to some stores because they wouldn't have my size, but I figured a size 40 waist was not too much to ask for a large department store like Nordstrom to carry. So I return to the dressing room to try on another of my pleated pants and as I am trying on clothes in the changing room, a tear comes down my face. An honest to goodness tear! I was not expecting that tear and I think it really caught me off guard. Having been heavier before, I was used to feeling horrible about my body but I hadn't had that feeling in so long. After all I lost weight but more importantly I learned how to listen to my body. It was years ago that I felt so weak. I mean it was just one year ago that I finished my first marathon--somthing I thought I could never, ever, in 100 years do. But in that moment, I was ashamed of what my body was and I was surprised at how strong and quick that feeling came on.
Feeling horrible about myself, I changed back into my original clothes and left the store with my wife. I told her, "I need to get out of here," and that's what we did. I was angry, sad, and upset. I didn't just feel bad about the shopping experience, but I was upset because I thought all of that body self-loathing was behind me. I felt like a fraud. Who was I to be teaching and helping others with Intuitive Eating and body acceptance, if I didn't accept my own body? What kind of hypocrite was I? All that advice I gave to people. All the insights I helped them make. Had it all passed over me and was I just living a lie? If I was really this ashamed of my body, then what am I doing with this career of mine and why would anyone come and see me in my practice?
That feeling took a while to go away and after some more tears and a very open conversation with my wife, I felt better. Not great but better.
But the story doesn't end there. The very next day, I had some free time and I decided to head back to a different Nordstrom to see if I could do better. I went right up to Customer Service and I said, "I heard you have personal shoppers here. Is there one available today that could help me because I need help." I waited while the lady called to see if anyone was available and in a few minutes, Jerry came up to meet me. Jerry was a listener! I told him about my experience the day before, my job, what I wanted, what I needed and then I let go and gave Jerry control. He was great. He showed me a ton of different clothes but what I noticed most was that he never said anything referencing the size of my clothes. He never said anything about having limited options. He just brought me clothes and I tried them on. After 2+ hours, I had done considerable damage on my credit card but I felt great with what I had purchased. I had a whole new wardrobe that I could wear, that fit me and that I'm sure my wife will love seeing me in.
As I was paying, I had a very interesting converation with one of Jerry's other clients. The three of us were talking, I was making jokes (as I usually do when I'm in a good mood) and he said, "Are you a writer? You should write comedy! Maybe you're a lawyer." I said, "Nope, none of those. I'm a dietitian" and he says to me. "With a body like that? Come on. Serioulsy, what do you do?" "I'm really a dietitian." Now maybe because I was joking before he thought that this was just another joke but it wasn't and without him even thinking about it, he tried to shame me for my weight. But here's the interesting thing, I didn't care about his comment. It was interesting from a weight-stigma point of view but I was not offended. The comment literally rolled off my back, onto the floor and evaporated into thin air. No self-loathing, no anger, no sadness. Just me, my new clothes and his judgement.
What a difference a day makes. Maybe it was my mindset going into shopping, maybe it was Jerry, maybe it was a the fact this store had more options for me or maybe it was all those things but this experience left a much different feeling.
As I sit here writing this blog I can see so many lessons for all of us in this:
Recently I've come to realize that I need some new clothes and like many other "typical guys" out there, I don't care much for shopping. First of all, it takes a long time. Secondly, I hate trying on clothes. Thirdly, it's expensive and I hate spending money on clothes, and last but not least, I have really very little sense of style. I haven't purchased new clothes for years so when I decided to embark on this endeavour, I knew I really needed a whole new wardrobe.
So like any other married man, I decided to bring my wife along and we headed off to Nordstom. Since my wife was with me and I was doing this of my own free will, I was honestly sort of excited for the adventure. We walked in to the Men's department and the salesman comes up and I begin to tell him what I need. He starts to show me some clothes (in my size) and I say, "But I heard I shouldn't have pleated pants...is that true?" I figure he must be a scientist like me and he's read all the latest peer-reviewed fashion journals on pleated vs. flat-front pants and there must be a definitive answer on the matter and he says, "No, you can wear whatever you want." My wife sort of glares at him and I trust he knows what he's talking about so I go and try on the pants. They fit but not perfectly and I ask, "Do you have other pants?" and he answers, "I don't have many choices in your size. It's these or those." I try the others and they fit worse than the first so I settle for the lesser of two evils. Then I ask about shirts and he has a similar answer, "In your size you have a choice of these two styles," both of which I don't think scream fashion at all. They wimpered, "Take my lunch money please." Not the message that I wanted to project or that I normally feel, but it's exactly how I felt in that moment.
At this point, I've gone from excited completely dejected. Nothing in my size looked appealing. Having been much larger than I am now, I knew that I shouldn 't even go close to some stores because they wouldn't have my size, but I figured a size 40 waist was not too much to ask for a large department store like Nordstrom to carry. So I return to the dressing room to try on another of my pleated pants and as I am trying on clothes in the changing room, a tear comes down my face. An honest to goodness tear! I was not expecting that tear and I think it really caught me off guard. Having been heavier before, I was used to feeling horrible about my body but I hadn't had that feeling in so long. After all I lost weight but more importantly I learned how to listen to my body. It was years ago that I felt so weak. I mean it was just one year ago that I finished my first marathon--somthing I thought I could never, ever, in 100 years do. But in that moment, I was ashamed of what my body was and I was surprised at how strong and quick that feeling came on.
Feeling horrible about myself, I changed back into my original clothes and left the store with my wife. I told her, "I need to get out of here," and that's what we did. I was angry, sad, and upset. I didn't just feel bad about the shopping experience, but I was upset because I thought all of that body self-loathing was behind me. I felt like a fraud. Who was I to be teaching and helping others with Intuitive Eating and body acceptance, if I didn't accept my own body? What kind of hypocrite was I? All that advice I gave to people. All the insights I helped them make. Had it all passed over me and was I just living a lie? If I was really this ashamed of my body, then what am I doing with this career of mine and why would anyone come and see me in my practice?
That feeling took a while to go away and after some more tears and a very open conversation with my wife, I felt better. Not great but better.
But the story doesn't end there. The very next day, I had some free time and I decided to head back to a different Nordstrom to see if I could do better. I went right up to Customer Service and I said, "I heard you have personal shoppers here. Is there one available today that could help me because I need help." I waited while the lady called to see if anyone was available and in a few minutes, Jerry came up to meet me. Jerry was a listener! I told him about my experience the day before, my job, what I wanted, what I needed and then I let go and gave Jerry control. He was great. He showed me a ton of different clothes but what I noticed most was that he never said anything referencing the size of my clothes. He never said anything about having limited options. He just brought me clothes and I tried them on. After 2+ hours, I had done considerable damage on my credit card but I felt great with what I had purchased. I had a whole new wardrobe that I could wear, that fit me and that I'm sure my wife will love seeing me in.
As I was paying, I had a very interesting converation with one of Jerry's other clients. The three of us were talking, I was making jokes (as I usually do when I'm in a good mood) and he said, "Are you a writer? You should write comedy! Maybe you're a lawyer." I said, "Nope, none of those. I'm a dietitian" and he says to me. "With a body like that? Come on. Serioulsy, what do you do?" "I'm really a dietitian." Now maybe because I was joking before he thought that this was just another joke but it wasn't and without him even thinking about it, he tried to shame me for my weight. But here's the interesting thing, I didn't care about his comment. It was interesting from a weight-stigma point of view but I was not offended. The comment literally rolled off my back, onto the floor and evaporated into thin air. No self-loathing, no anger, no sadness. Just me, my new clothes and his judgement.
What a difference a day makes. Maybe it was my mindset going into shopping, maybe it was Jerry, maybe it was a the fact this store had more options for me or maybe it was all those things but this experience left a much different feeling.
As I sit here writing this blog I can see so many lessons for all of us in this:
- We are not perfect and we should never try to be. If you have body issues, some days, weeks or months may be better than others but remember, just because we have risen from a deep valley, doesn't mean there won't be another one in the future.
- Having support is so important. Without my wife, that feeling of loathing and self-hatred would have lasted much longer. We all need that champion to help us.
- The fashion industry does not believe in size diversity!
- I am not a fraud or a hypocrite. My issues are my own and nobody is perfect. But the fact is, I've been down the hole that many of you are in right now and I can help you out! My own issues don't make me a liar or a hypocrite, they make me authentic and empathetic to where you may be right now. It reminds me of a story that is told in The West Wing (best show ever by the way). Watch the clip below to see what I'm talking about.
- Don't ever judge someone by their body size. Telling someone that is thin that they should, "eat a cheeseburger," is no different that telling someone who is heavy that they should, "just push away from the table."
Intuitive Eating is a process and progress is not linear. There are good days and bad days but the hope is through it all, we continue to listen to our bodies, honor hunger, honor fullness, honor our body and enjoy the simple pleasure that is living life as authentically as possible.
Also, I'd like to thank Jerry and Nordstrom for such a great experience. I can't wait to wear my new clothes. Maybe I'll add some before and after pictures when my clothes return from the tailor!
As always, I'd love to read your thoughts and comments.
UPDATE 2/23/14
I thought I would update you all about what happened after I published this article. Through the power of social media, Nordstrom became aware of my experience at their store. I've heard of their amazing reputation for customer service but I was surprised at how quick their Twitter account manager contacted me and how soon they got word to the store managers at the locations that I visited. The store manager from the first store, Hossey, called me and we had a great conversation. I elaborated on my experience in her store and like any good manager, she listened to my concerns. As expected, she was very apologetic but I wanted to be clear with her that I was not looking for anything to happen to the salesperson that I worked with. I explained that I wrote this piece as a way to share my experience but also as a catharsis to help me process the event. Hossey said she wanted my permission to share the post at her next staff meeting and I of course agreed. I am so happy with how Nordstrom responded. Maybe this experience will help them be more conscious of the words and attitudes they use with their future customers.
UPDATE 2/23/14
I thought I would update you all about what happened after I published this article. Through the power of social media, Nordstrom became aware of my experience at their store. I've heard of their amazing reputation for customer service but I was surprised at how quick their Twitter account manager contacted me and how soon they got word to the store managers at the locations that I visited. The store manager from the first store, Hossey, called me and we had a great conversation. I elaborated on my experience in her store and like any good manager, she listened to my concerns. As expected, she was very apologetic but I wanted to be clear with her that I was not looking for anything to happen to the salesperson that I worked with. I explained that I wrote this piece as a way to share my experience but also as a catharsis to help me process the event. Hossey said she wanted my permission to share the post at her next staff meeting and I of course agreed. I am so happy with how Nordstrom responded. Maybe this experience will help them be more conscious of the words and attitudes they use with their future customers.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
No Weigh
This post originally appeared on Wholify, Restoring Your Wellbeing website which is operated by Michaela Ballmann, MS, RD, CLT
I get a lot of questions being a dietitian. One that comes up pretty often is how often I weigh myself. It's such a great question and my answer has changed over time. When I was in highschool I saw a nutritionist to help me lose weight. I remember weighing myself in her office each week. I'd come in, hand her my food journals and head off into her bathroom to step on the scale. In the interest of full disclosure, I lied to her every time I reported my weight. I figured, tell her what she wants to hear so every time I said I lost 1lb each visit. (I lied on my food journals too but maybe that's another post). Why did I lie? I guess because I wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear and I was fearful of her reaction if I didn't lose weight that week.
After I stopped seeing the nutritionist, I don't think I weighed myself until many years later. Of course I'd get weighed at annual physicals but it was not something I did at home. Not coincidentally, it was during this time of my life that I really started to gain weight.
Once I made the decision to lose weight (and it happened one morning in April 1999), I still hadn't weighed myself in quite some time. I had no idea of what my actual weight was but I would guess it was over 300+. I didn't weigh myself that morning but instead I waited about 2-3 months until I noticed a difference in how I looked and felt. I remember that day as if it was yesterday and my weight was 285 lbs. From that day on for about the next 10-11 years, I weighed myself every morning. At first it was to monitor my progress and later on it became my tool to "stay on track."
Over those 10-11 years, the scale became the best indicator to what kind of day I was going to have. If it went up, it was going to be a bad day. I felt less secure, less confident, less worthy and therefore I ate less. If the scale stayed the same or went down, it was going to be a great day. I'd be more confident, more secure, and therefore have freedom to eat more. There were even times I would weigh myself more than once per day. I'd see how the weight changed after a workout, after a bowel movement or after a big dinner. Sounds crazy, right? It was crazy but I am 100% confident that I was not the only person to do this.
After I read Intuitive Eating, I realized how the behavior of weighing myself was part of my "diet mentality" and it all started with my desire to be "thin." I knew that to make peace with food, I had to reject that behavior and ditch the scale. It's scary to stop doing something that you've done every day for over a decade. My security blanket was going away but once I started not to weigh myself, I noticed that my attitude towards myself and towards food changed. I noticed that I had a little more freedom with food if I didn't have the scale as my tool to determine what and how I should eat each day. I was able to tune into my body’s signals more and more which was reassuring.
I went about 2-3 weeks without weighing myself at first and then I wondered if I was gaining weight as an intuitive eater so I decided to step on the scale. I have no idea what the number said but I know that my mind went back to it's old "less vs more" thinking. What can I say, old habits die hard. It was after that event that I really realized how much power the scale had over my behaviors and that the scale deserved to not be part of my life.
It's been about 2 years since I've stopped weighing myself and I've never felt more confident about my body. Has my weight changed since I stopped weighing myself? I don't think so. My clothes still fit and I don't notice a difference in any pictures, so I guess I'd have to say it's pretty stable. Do I still have issues? You bet! Those might never go away but that is another post.
So that's my personal story about the scale, but what does that mean for you? If you are anything like me, you might be obsessed with the scale just like I was. And you might be thinking, "There's no way I could stop weighing myself." Some of us are not ready to ditch the scale and in some cases, regular weigh-ins might be completely necessary (like for those in treatment for eating disorders) but for most, the scale is only a measure of one thing...your weight at that exact moment in time. It doesn't measure self-worth, it doesn't measure your overall health and it should never tell you how much you should eat in a day.
Saying goodbye to the scale is not 100% necessary to become an intuitive eater but it is a very strong symbol for our emphasis on body weight. It is a symbol for why we diet, why we create food rules and why we stop listening to our body. I've already removed this symbol from my mind but it’s still in my house, why I have no idea. Today, I've chosen to say good-bye forever. Are you ready to say goodbye to the scale?
 |
| Goodbye and good riddance! |
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Yes I Am an Overweight Dietitian
This is Weight Stigma Awareness week which is being organized by the Binge Eating Disorder Association. This online conference has provided both healthcare providers and the general public with a wealth of information about what is weight stigma and how it affects us. Going into this week I was planning on writing about weight stigma from a general sense but after I saw the tweet below, I thought a personal post might be more appropriate so, here goes.
I've discussed it before but I will say it again, I'm an obese dietitian. Comments like the one above are not new to me. I've heard it before either directly to my face or from second-hand conversations. The comments come in many different ways, "Why should I listen to you?" "Well it doesn't look like you eat that way." "Why don't you practice what you preach?" It doesn't matter how you say it or the context you say it in...all of these comments are shaming. It fits into the old mindset that if your BMI is anything above normal, then you must not be healthy; that having a tummy is a sign of laziness, filth and sloth.
The funny thing is, being a healthcare provider, I don't only get it from my clients, I get it from colleagues. "I've noticed you've gained some weight?" "I"m going to tell on you for eating that." "Should you really be teaching that class?" Even if I don't hear the comments, I see how they look at me. I hear what they say and I read what they write.
But I'm here today, during Weight Stigma Awareness week, to stand up and say enough! Enough of you judging my body. My weight, my body, my habits are MINE and NOT YOURS. The topic of my weight is off limits. I did not ask for your archaic, backwards, close-minded comments. My body is MINE. Mind your own business and keep your comments to yourself. I have never judged you for coming in my office/class and gaining weight. I don't care if you are 320 or 120 pounds. I respect your body, now please respect mine.
For me weight stigma hits home more often than most will realize. Maybe you have to be "fat" to know what it's like but fat shaming happens more than I care to admit. When I was 300+ pounds, people stared at me. They rolled their eyes as I sat next to them on a plane. They stared as I ate my Jack 'N the Box Double Cheeseburger. They laughed as I took off my shirt at the beach. It was as if the stares, eye rolls and teasing was going to somehow help me. Well, guess what? It didn't. Like any normal person, the shaming led to self-imposed isolation. Isolation led to more eating because I really didn't want to be alone. And my weight rose higher and higher. It's a horribly helpless feeling and you don't know what it's like until you've been there.
As I lost weight, people looked at me differently. On some level I loved how their eyes and attitudes changed towards me. I loved that now I was accepted by society because my belly was gone. But even though they saw someone new, the old person was still there (and on some level, still is today). All that shaming that happened still affected my self-esteem.
So when someone asks, "If you are an overweight dietitian, how am I supposed to listen to you telling me how to eat?" my answer is simple. You should listen, because I know what the hell I'm talking about. Not just because I have a degree, completed an internship and passed a registration exam but because, despite what you think by looking at my stomach, I am a fantastic educator/motivator/coach/nutrition expert. If all of you see is my stomach, you're going to miss out, not just what I have to say but what others who are just like me have to say as well. My clients listen to me because I've been where they are. You should listen to me because my full stomach is not a sign that I don't know what I'm talking about, it's a sign that I know exactly what I'm talking about when it comes to making peace with food. I've fought the war against food and my weight. The only casualty though was me. Instead of fighting, I've made peace with food, my body, my weight and my critics.
I wish that I had a six pack, broad shoulders and rippling muscles but I don't. I've come to accept my body for what it is. Hopefully this post helps bring weight stigma to the forefront of our conversation. It's an issue that we need to discuss and that we need to be aware of.
And finally to thank the individual who posted their honest comment on Twitter thank you! Thank you for your tweet that inspired me to write this down. It has been cathartic to share my thoughts and without your tweet, they might have never made it out.
UPDATE: (9/26/13 8:45am)
I've been asked by the person who posted the original tweet to delete her name from this post. After much consideration I've agreed to do that. The reason I did: shaming someone, for any reason, is wrong. I hope you respect my decision.
If you're an overweight dietitian, how am I supposed to listen to you telling me how to eat ? -- Via Twitter on 9/25/13.
I've discussed it before but I will say it again, I'm an obese dietitian. Comments like the one above are not new to me. I've heard it before either directly to my face or from second-hand conversations. The comments come in many different ways, "Why should I listen to you?" "Well it doesn't look like you eat that way." "Why don't you practice what you preach?" It doesn't matter how you say it or the context you say it in...all of these comments are shaming. It fits into the old mindset that if your BMI is anything above normal, then you must not be healthy; that having a tummy is a sign of laziness, filth and sloth.
The funny thing is, being a healthcare provider, I don't only get it from my clients, I get it from colleagues. "I've noticed you've gained some weight?" "I"m going to tell on you for eating that." "Should you really be teaching that class?" Even if I don't hear the comments, I see how they look at me. I hear what they say and I read what they write.
But I'm here today, during Weight Stigma Awareness week, to stand up and say enough! Enough of you judging my body. My weight, my body, my habits are MINE and NOT YOURS. The topic of my weight is off limits. I did not ask for your archaic, backwards, close-minded comments. My body is MINE. Mind your own business and keep your comments to yourself. I have never judged you for coming in my office/class and gaining weight. I don't care if you are 320 or 120 pounds. I respect your body, now please respect mine.
For me weight stigma hits home more often than most will realize. Maybe you have to be "fat" to know what it's like but fat shaming happens more than I care to admit. When I was 300+ pounds, people stared at me. They rolled their eyes as I sat next to them on a plane. They stared as I ate my Jack 'N the Box Double Cheeseburger. They laughed as I took off my shirt at the beach. It was as if the stares, eye rolls and teasing was going to somehow help me. Well, guess what? It didn't. Like any normal person, the shaming led to self-imposed isolation. Isolation led to more eating because I really didn't want to be alone. And my weight rose higher and higher. It's a horribly helpless feeling and you don't know what it's like until you've been there.
As I lost weight, people looked at me differently. On some level I loved how their eyes and attitudes changed towards me. I loved that now I was accepted by society because my belly was gone. But even though they saw someone new, the old person was still there (and on some level, still is today). All that shaming that happened still affected my self-esteem.
So when someone asks, "If you are an overweight dietitian, how am I supposed to listen to you telling me how to eat?" my answer is simple. You should listen, because I know what the hell I'm talking about. Not just because I have a degree, completed an internship and passed a registration exam but because, despite what you think by looking at my stomach, I am a fantastic educator/motivator/coach/nutrition expert. If all of you see is my stomach, you're going to miss out, not just what I have to say but what others who are just like me have to say as well. My clients listen to me because I've been where they are. You should listen to me because my full stomach is not a sign that I don't know what I'm talking about, it's a sign that I know exactly what I'm talking about when it comes to making peace with food. I've fought the war against food and my weight. The only casualty though was me. Instead of fighting, I've made peace with food, my body, my weight and my critics.
I wish that I had a six pack, broad shoulders and rippling muscles but I don't. I've come to accept my body for what it is. Hopefully this post helps bring weight stigma to the forefront of our conversation. It's an issue that we need to discuss and that we need to be aware of.
And finally to thank the individual who posted their honest comment on Twitter thank you! Thank you for your tweet that inspired me to write this down. It has been cathartic to share my thoughts and without your tweet, they might have never made it out.
UPDATE: (9/26/13 8:45am)
I've been asked by the person who posted the original tweet to delete her name from this post. After much consideration I've agreed to do that. The reason I did: shaming someone, for any reason, is wrong. I hope you respect my decision.
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